Always Look on the Bright Siiiide of Liiiife!

Dear Not Quite Awake, I'm working on that whole "master" post....so to tide you over, I'm telling a positive story...

There's this inside joke on my frisbee team about these slurpee/shakes at this dive-y convenience store on the corner of these two very busy roads. So me and the boy decide to stop there on Saturday so we can finally see what all the hullabaloo is about. We get our drinks (meh btw), then we set out for home. We're waiting for a break in the traffic to turn right onto busy street #2 and I'm literally saying how I was rear-ended at this same intersection last winter when an SUV turns left into oncoming traffic and smashes into a truck trying to beat the yellow light in the suicide lane. I'm holding my dog in my lap and as I watch this SVU coming right towards us all I can think is "hold on tight because when the car hits us I don't want the dog to go flying".

So the SUV careens towards us but miraculously stops short...so short that the boy can't even open his door. I jump out of the car to see if everyone's ok and THANK GOD they were. The truck guy was totally out of it but I would be too if I was hit full force in the face with an airbag. When I opened the door to his truck there was still smoke coming from the bag! The other guy got out of his SUV and started walking around, when I asked him if he was ok he just wanted help getting his guitar to safety! Then he handed me a CD and said, "Thanks for your help, here take a CD, I'm a musician"...and that man was Bono...ok, no it wasn't.

This was the worst accident I have ever seen, looking at the state of the vehicles it really is amazing that no one was killed, especially with how fast everyone involved was driving. The police and ambulance came and we had to give witness statements and both vehicles were pretty much totalled. When we finally got back in the car to go home I couldn't stop shaking thinking about it all, and especially about how lucky we had all been. It was really nice to see the sheer number of people who stopped to make sure everyone was ok, the owner of the store even came out with bottles of water for the guys in the accident.

So, slow down out there people and maybe call your mom more often.

This song is dedicated to brides with black eyes

Here's something cheerful cause the next post is kind of a downer...

Put a Band-Aid on it

So tonight, after the second of two particularly long days, I sat down in front of the TV to unwind. I have terrible TV habits, I watch all kinds of crap and tonight that included 2 episodes of Big Brother, yesterday's Oprah and tonight's Dateline and 20/20. Seriously, I love my PVR, there's always something to watch, even if it is a waste of time.

20/20 had a segment about health care; obviously a hot topic these days for our neighbours to the south. The tone of the segment totally offended me, it was essentially bashing the Canadian health care system, one "expert" even going so far as to say that animals get better health care than humans. My national pride wounded, I was outraged and offended. "Yes, it's true," I thought, "Our system has it's flaws. But it sure is comforting to know that no matter what, whether I lose my job and am homeless, broke or both, I will have access to free medical care." It's sure nice not to have to pay to see a doctor when I over react about a swollen gland, thank you Mr. Douglas. So, mind your own business 20/20, nobody asked you anyways.

But I have to admit, it sure is hard to cheer our health care these days. I've spent the last two days, thinking that someone important in my life would be having surgery. But the first day passed and she didn't...and the second day has passed and she didn't...so now we'll wait and hope and pray that her number comes up on day three. Because, that's kind of what it's like, a lottery for surgery room time. Now, this I could understand if it was elective, anyone can wait a few extra days for lipo or bigger boobs. But if you're having a cancerous tumor removed, it's pretty hard to be patient and understanding.

I know it's not technically anyone's fault. It's not the nurses who have been wonderful and accommodating, and it's not the doctors who are ready, willing and eager to get down to brass tacks. It's the system, and in any system there are flaws. I suppose I recognize that the system is in essence a great idea, but needs work, perhaps even serious change. I'm just finding it hard to reconcile my frustrations with my idealism. Good thing I'm not in charge I guess.

Pack Your Bags

I always thought that when my teaching career was over, ('cause good lord, I'm terrible at this, I'm bound to get fired eventually!!) I'd like to have a job where you travel a lot. I love to fly and I figured it would be so glamourous to jet from destination to destination living it up in fancy hotels and spending my per diem on clothes and booze. Turns out, I was pretty much totally wrong.

Now, don't get me wrong, Saskatoon is hardly a glamourous, exotic destination. It's no Paris or New York or even Calgary. But I thought a week of living in a nice hotel and eating in nice restaurants would be awesome. It's totally not. I'm having a crappy time and I'm gonna tell you why whether you like it or not...

First of all my conference started Monday morning but they wouldn't pay for a hotel Sunday so I had to leave really early and drive up. I wasn't sure where I was going in S'Toon so I wanted to give myself lots of time. I spent two hours trying not to fall asleep driving only to arrive an hour early and have to hang out at Starbucks getting hopped up on caffeine. Did you know that wireless Internet isn't free at Starbucks? What's up with that, when I need to mortgage my house to afford a latte the least you an do is provide Wi-Fi...bastards.

Upon arriving at my conference I scan the room for the two people I know who are also attending. I don't see them so I find a spot where all three of us can sit and even tell someone that "these seats are taken", which is so high school and made me feel like a tit. Then the facilitator walked over and asked me if I picked up my name tag, but when I went to the registration table I discovered that neither one of those two bitches were going to show up, they'd canceled and not told me. BITCHES!! So at this point I realize that I'll be spending 4 days in this hell hole by myself, I don't even have anyone to go for dinner with.

So I figure, that's ok, no big deal, I'll have some quality "me" time. But then I remember that I'm boring and I don't even like me that much. The first night I drove to Safeway after my conference, picked up some food for the week and then went back to my hotel room, did my homework and was asleep by 10.

Day two I figure I can at least make use of my time and I book a spray tan for my sister's wedding, because I've got to do something to look half decent in the dress, and at least it's something to do on day 3. I head to the mall immediately after class only to find out that the mall closes at 5:30 (WTF? What happened to 6?) and I'm there a total of 10 minutes before I have to get something to eat and leave. I stop by the LuLu Lemon on my way back to my lonely hotel room only to find that the one thing I wanted to buy on this trip wasn't available in my size. F@#$!! I end up watching South Park and the Deadliest Catch on the phone with my boy and feeling sorry for myself. He's indifferent and can I please be quiet because he missed what Cartman just said.

Day 3 I get up early because I didn't do the reading for today. I head to Starbucks, curse the lack of free Internet, drink my expensive coffee and read the boring materials. The day drags at my class, but not enough for us to have time to discuss the readings which I got up early to read; we have to skip that part. Oh, well, at least I can leave. I go for my spray tan, immediately have reservations and visions of a bright orange lump in a bright blue dress coming down the aisle. I get my tan and realize that there's no way I can sleep in the beautiful, crisp, white sheets of my hotel bed because I'm gonna leave more brown streaks than a four year old who doesn't wipe properly. I head to the mall where I buy sweat pants and a sweat shirt. It's 25 degrees outside.

As I wander the mall, (which is open until 9...as it should be) I realize that I can't try anything on because I'll leave spray tan all over the inside of the clothes. I try to kill some time by trying on shoes but I just end up getting take-out Chinese, and a booster juice and I pout all the way back to the hotel where I eat and send text messages to my boyfriend who's at home where things are normal and good. I miss home.

So, long story short. I will not be signing up for any more conferences anytime soon, and travel is starting to seem a lot less glamorous than before, and I don't even like South Park anyways.

Apparently I'm a Fucking Bitch...I didn't know either

So on Friday afternoon I was very productive...there was a fist fight and I suspended two kids. Then one of them caused some trouble on the school bus so I kicked him off. As he walked off the bus he said to me "fucking bitch".

I didn't know I was a bitch, let alone a fucking bitch. Seriously, I am pretty mad at you guys. This is something I think someone should have told me. Here I am, walking around, living life as a fucking bitch and I didn't even know it. It took some 12 year old to tell me, when it really should have been you guys; my bffs.

I mean, how long have you known? Is this fairly recent or has this been going on a long time now? Does everyone know? OMG, I"m just so embarrassed, I feel like EVERYONE knew before I did. It's like walking around with toilet paper on your shoe or a kick me sign or something. I'm just so mortified.

Well, at least I know now, right? So, what do I do about it? IS there some sort of club or support group or something? Do I get a tax credit or a tee-shirt? Do I try to NOT be a fucking bitch or do I just embrace it and start cutting people off in traffic and complaining really loudly about the service I'm receiving in a restaurant. Can I start slow at least? Maybe just by talking on my cell phone the entire time a cashier is ringing me through in a store or by not holding doors for old people. You'll have to bear with me while I figure these things out, I'm pretty new at this. Or at least I think I am...

Brimstone and Hellfire

So, I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been busy...get over it.

It's currently 1AM, I can't sleep so I'll post...I may not make sense but since when is that new?

I was just browsing through the waste of time that is called FACEBOOK, (you may have heard about this, all the kids are doing it)and I was suddenly struck by the thought that occurs often to everyone with a Facebook account: "why the hell did I include this person on my friend list, I haven't spoken to them in years and I don't give a shit about them". Seriously, there are people on my list from high school that I don't think I ever even spoke to in high school. It's just so hard to say no when someone wants to be your friend.

So...I deleted someone. This girl "SALLY" that I went to HS with. She's married to a pastor now (don't ask me, I don't get it either), and all of her status updates are vaguely religious and judgy. And the follow up comments are even more so! I just couldn't take it, tonight was the last straw. Her comment was something about how taking the pill was an evil sin. Then the follow ups were about how it was the same as having an abortion once a month. Now, there are all kinds of inaccuracies in those comments that I'm not even going to touch, but I mean, really?!? Do you have to be such a crazy person on FB? Jesus Christ, it's FB, no one wants to read about your crazy religious views on FB, I just want to read about how you had to wait a long time at Starbucks today, or that your kid had the flu but is feeling better. I had to delete her, I couldn't be a party to her crazy, cult-ish postings. I feel mildly guilty because she's a nice girl and all, but you just can't drop "abortion" in your status update, that ain't cool.

My job is a gong show

I never really post about my job, mostly because I don't want to lose it. I wish I had the guts to though because as some of you know I have some pretty hilarious work-related stories. Some involving monkey-punching, mixed drinks and the like. But today was weird and so I'm posting about it...so there.

Today a kid brought a hamster to school in a baby wipes container with no air holes. He's six and it was his mom's idea (Seriously? Why didn't you just send it in a ziplock bag?). So at 9:10 AM I drove a hamster home. I have 8 years of post-graduate education. Today I was a rodent taxi-driver. I love my job.

I brought sexy back and got store credit....

Ok, so I got tagged to write the 5 reasons why I think I'm sexy. And following notquiteawake's lead I will also answer this sarcastically since I am in no way sexy:

1. In my job, I spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning up bodily fluids. Nothing is sexier than mopping up puke or urine. Or driving someone home who has peed their pants....that's pretty sexy too.

2. I drive a four-door Kia. Seriously, is that not a pussy wagon or what? I can't believe I just wrote "pussy wagon"...that's a Grease reference people, I like boys.

3. I'm drunk after two Coors Lites. And not sexy drunk either. I get walking into things, belligerent, yelling at people drunk. I'm a mean Coors Lite drinker. (Read: lame)

4. I like board games. 'Nuff said.

5. Favourite food: grilled cheese. Nothing is hotter than food that you cut the crusts off....and, "crusts" is not a hot word. Say it; "crusts"...actually it's kinda gross. Crusts, crusts...guh..I think I'm gonna barf...also not hot.

This will haunt my dreams...

See more of the internets best videos at CollegeHumors Web Celeb Hall of Fame.

Things my Father Taught Me

I was reading this list of things the writer learned from his father. So I'm starting my own. Just so you know, my dad is awesome, he is the most supportive person I know and while he may not be overly emotional or sentimental he never hesitates to tell his kids he loves them and that he's proud of them. That's pretty amazing. So here's a few of the myriad of things I've learned from my dad:

- Hard work is rewarded and persistence is a virtue.
- Stay in school or you will end up a garbage collector or a cashier at Zellers.
- Be friendly to everyone and you'll have lots of friends
- A decent swear word is not something to throw around willy-nilly. Use swears in moderation. But when you do use one, make it a gooder.
- Women who swear have the vocabulary of "street-walkers". Yea, I realize the irony, his daughter does have the mouth of a sailor. (He's secretly proud)
- How to make a wine glass sing.
- What exactly "icing" is in hockey.
- How to drive, use a tire gauge, change a tire and refill the washer fluid.
- The world is an amazing place and you can learn all about it by watching the Discovery Channel but it's better to get your ass off the couch and go visit it.
- How to swim but also to have a healthy fear and respect for water.
- Family is paramount and a good son or daughter looks after their parents once they're not able to look after themselves.
- When you're playing sports, get a little rough, set a tone and your opponent will back off for the rest of the game.
- How to read a map and when, in the name of an adventure, you shouldn't use a map at all.
- Not to feel guilty if you fall asleep at the movies. It's your $10, you can spend it on a good nap if you want.
- Knowing anything about celebrity culture is a waste of time. (While I technically agree, I just can't help myself)
- Get your ass back and play defense, no one can respect a cherry picker.
- WRITING IN CAPS SAVES TIME AND DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN I AM YELLING (although sometimes I am)
- Don't spend your money on that crap, put it in the bank.
- A man who truly loves his wife and daughters will go get tampons at Safeway when there's a period emergency
- Turn the electricity off before you start poking around with a screw driver.
- Look out the window when you're on a road trip, this may be the only time in your life you get to see this.
- Treat everyone with respect, even if they haven't earned it, that way you can always respect yourself.

Crazy talented

This is pretty amazing. This kid is crazy talented and I may have a little crush (but just a little one because I think he's about 15 years old and I like to keep it legal ya'll). I know it's 8 minutes long but trust me it's worth it. And also it's pretty amazing how great some songs are on acoustic guitar, great songs really hold up without all the bells and whistles and surprisingly, so does the Power Rangers theme.

Watch 32 Songs in 8 Minutes on CollegeHumor

And then there's this guy...

Show Me Your Genitals (Jon Lajoie) - watch more funny videos

Let's Dance...

Sometimes kids can be smart asses but sometimes adults can be dumb asses so really, it's evens. BTW, always wear a condom when "stretching", play safe kids.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

If you leave your clothes on the floor, you don't need hangers...

I will often use the phrase, No wire hangers EVER!". It's from Mommy Dearest, the movie with Faye Dunaway about Joan Crawford. If you haven't seen it yet, what the hell is wrong with you? It is so awesome in it's cheesiness and the awfulness of knowing that it's a true story. (My second fav. line? "Don't fuck with me fellas, this ain't my first time at the rodeo" - seriously, I want to use that line SOOOO bad! I'm just biding my time, waiting for an opportunity!)

But back to my catch phrase. In real life it's kind of hard to work the wire hanger phrase into conversation but it sure is satisfying when you get to do your best Dunaway-imitating-Crawford imitation.

So tonight on Grey's Anatomy Faye Dunaway channeled Joan Crawford in a scene where she kicked a doctor out of her ER. It was pretty awesome, and it reminded me of how much I love the MD scene. And how much I hate wire hangers.

Skip ahead to 2:35 for the real fun to start.


UPDATE: Here's the Grey's clip that made me nostalgic...skip to 1:40

No Drama Obama

I think this is awesome. Newsweek's video satire is hilarious, it totally captures the tone of "The Hills/City"; with the long lingering looks, the obviously manipulated editing and the trendy soundtrack. Now I'm just waiting on the Canadian version: "The Parliament".

Free Happiness

So apparently everyone and their dog has completed the "25 things" post on Facebook, including me. I found it quite difficult actually. It's hard to come up with 25 random things that don't make you sound totally self absorbed or totally ridiculous. So, I'm starting my own post category. I may even add it to Facebook but right now I'll just add it here.

10 Free things that make me happy
1. Getting mail that's not a bill - even a really good flyer is kind of exciting but once a month when the one magazine I have a subscription to arrives in my mailbox it's like Christmas came early.
2. A clean house - because when my house is spotless I don't feel guilty about sitting on the couch, and because I've earned it. This is a very rare occasion.
3. Text messages - seriously, I get a little excited whenever I hear the TM signal. It's nice to know that someone, somewhere is thinking about me in abbreviations such as WHR R U? or OMG u r stpid (actually that second one isn't all that nice). I also really enjoy when someone sends a message without reading it first and T9 gets all the words mixed up and the message is crazy like: I'll bring hands and you soup to mother games. It's like secret code.
4. When someone brings me a coffee at work (or wherever really) - because I'm not expecting it. And coffee = good.
5. Winning - at anything. I'm competitive and I keep score, at all times, about everything. Besides, winning is so much better than losing.
6. A nap on the couch - this hardly ever happens but when it does, it's so decadent.
7. Won Ton Soup - Ok, so technically not free but good lord is it great.
8. Laughing so hard I cry - Again, this hardly ever happens but who doesn't love a good laugh?
9. Having something to look forward to - I'm going to NKOTB in April, and then Toronto, then summer holidays, then Christmas....you get the idea.
10. Babies, puppies and free money....although not necessarily in that order.

PostSecret

I love PostSecret. It's this great site where people send in a postcard with a secret on it. Then, each Sunday, they post several secrets on the site. There's also a couple of books. Often people will write on the site that they've left secrets inside the books at bookstores. (I'm totally going to check the next time I'm at Chapters).

It's strangely satisfying to read someone else's secret shame. I'm at once totally mortified by some of the things that people will write and yet it's sort of like passing a traffic accident, you just can't help but look. I figure it's kind of like harmless gossip. Anyways, some of this weekend's postings (all love themed), are hilarious so I'm sharing them.

The saga continues...

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Yes, there is a Santa Claus

Ask and you shall receive...

NSFW F*ckin Newsies! @ Yahoo! Video

Do you want me to trash your lights?...Yes, yes, I do.

I love Christian Bale. I've loved him since Newsies, and I won't apologize for it. I don't think even this would change my love for him. Besides, it's got a good beat and you can dance to it.

WARNING: This is extremely NSFW, unless you work somewhere you can tell people to f#@% off (like movie sets apparently).

Ommm

I started taking a yoga class with a friend. It's really relaxing, especially the last 20 minutes where we lie on the floor and the instructor uses her really calm librarian voice. It was very zen...probably...I fell asleep so I missed the zen moment.

Anyways, the class is kind of hilarious. On the first day we all had to introduce ourselves and say what "brought" us to yoga. I said a 2006 Kia but apparently that wasn't the right answer. There was one woman who said that "yoga changed her life" and that she lives and breathes it. We were supposed to leave our judgments at the door but I didn't. I'm judgy. That's what makes me fun. So I judged her...harshly. And when she nearly hit the floor during a relatively easy pose I judged her harshly again.

Also we spend a lot of time "discovering". The instructor will say things like: "Let's discover our right hip", during a pose where you think that your right hip just may pop right out of your body. And sometimes I'm not sure what to do because we're never really given an instruction, just suggestions. For example instead of telling us where to stand on the mat she'll say, "perhaps we'll stand on the end of our mat". Perhaps? Shouldn't you know? Jesus, who's in charge here? This chick doesn't even know where we're supposed to stand.

But the most hilarious part this week was at the end of the class. We breathed deeply, eyes closed and wished for health, happiness and peace. Then we extended these wishes to the others in our class and all of humanity. Then, serene music playing, lights dimmed, we quietly made our way out the room to the parking lot and our cars where some dumb broad promptly cut me off and gave me the finger. Namaste.

I am Social Awkward/Retarded

You know when you meet someone who immediately puts you at ease? Who makes you feel so comfortable it's as if you've known them for years instead of minutes? That charismatic person who makes you want to join their club within moments of meeting them? I am not that person.

Apparently I come across as a stuck up bitch.

This was pointed out to me, a little more kindly than maybe I've phrased it, by someone I've known a while. We were talking about when we first met (in quite a large group of people), and what our first impressions were. My first impression of him was pretty dead on, and his of me? Well, I think it's pretty much the polar opposite of how I really am.

I think that sometimes when someone is a little shy, maybe not immediately chatty or obviously friendly, it comes across as aloof. So, I guess I need to work on that. It wouldn't kill me to be a little more outgoing sometimes. But it was also a good reminder that often our first impressions are dead wrong. Unfortunately, they're also really hard to overcome. So, I'm going to switch from the shy/stuck up kind of social awkwardness I've rocked for the last 31 years to the over-the-top, in-your-face friendly kind of social awkwardness. (I'm taking my cues from that Wal-Mart greeter who follows you out to your car to say "have a nice day", he always seems friendly...maybe a bit on the creepy side, but creepy-friendly is still friendly right?)

Hopefully it doesn't come across as fake. I really hate fake people.

PS...you don't need to comment that you don't think I'm a bitch...it's a given, besides, if my friends think I'm an asshole I'm really beyond help.

Fishing for Stalkers - now with audience participation

So, last week I was at this training thing where one of the instructors (let's call him "Bill")was a guy about my age. Bill was definitely enjoying his time in the spotlight and his role as "expert". Besides myself there were only two other people in the young category, both were guys I know through work, let's call them Bert and Ernie. So Bert, Ernie and myself, already knowing each other kinda well, spent most of our time hanging together and teaming up for the group activities. In the meantime, Bill was trying pretty hard to be our friend and would often come over and chat with us. There was a moment during the second day where I felt somewhat sexually harassed, to the point where even Ernie commented that Bill was a little on the awkward side. I thought I made it pretty known to Bill that I wasn't impressed and that I was annoyed in his general direction.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I open my email today to find that Bill has added me as a friend on Facebook. First of all maybe Bill's weirdness was awkward flirting but seriously, can you not tell when someone doesn't like you? And second of all, it's kind of creepy because Bill would have had to copy down my last name at the course and take it home with him, because I certainly didn't give it to him. So yea, a little on the creepy side. However, as someone pointed out to me, the only thing that makes it creepy is that I'm not interested, if I was interested it would be flattering.

So, I kind of want to add him as a friend because I want to see where this goes, yea a little "Mean Girls", but whatever. But then, as was also pointed out to me, he could be my potential next stalker, which is slightly less hilarious.

So, I leave it up to you, my three faithful readers...leave your vote in the comments and I'll go with the majority, either way, hilarity will ensue.

Wise Riders circa 1992

This video is like 70% of the educational videos we have at work. I seriously have the best job evah! And I'm pretty sure that's the guy from Happy Gilmore, you know the guy; he eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast. Seriously, I'm like 67% sure that's him.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Honey, you can do better

There's not a court in the land that would convict this woman for murder. Justifiable homicide has a face...but it ain't pretty.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

It's Up, It's Down, It's Up Again

This post is not about my sex life...sorry to disappoint.

So I posted my last post. Then I took it down. Then I posted it again. (Yes, I know some of you noticed...and yet you still didn't comment...you know who you are!!)

I'm a pretty private person. Outside of a small group of friends, I would say there are very few people who really know me well. I just keep some things to myself, for example, people I work with don't know anything about my personal life and I like it that way. I may come across loud, obnoxious and out going, but actually, I'm really shy. I have a hard time talking to people I don't know well and I have to work really hard to fake being friendly sometimes. So...when I posted about dating randoms that is probably the most personal I've ever gotten on my blog and I had poster's remorse. Then I realized that there are really only a few people who read this waste of time...and they already know all this about me so...whatevs.

Dating is Awkward

Confession: I've never dated someone I didn't know before. Usually I've dated a friend (which always turns out well, let me tell you), or a friend of a friend. I've always had a strict policy of any potential dates needing to have a reference. And (although keep in mind, I've been single a really, really, really long time)this policy has worked out well.

When you date someone you know, or at least have someone in common with, there's always something to talk about and conversation comes fairly naturally. And for the most part, I can chat with anyone. But when you go out with a random, there's no topic you have to fall back on, you can't just talk about the person you both know. I hate forced conversation. It's so unnatural and awkward.

Which is not to say that I'm not currently enjoying the random I've been hanging with. It's a good time, but can be a little forced. I just wish we could skip over the whole "getting to know you" phase and move right into the "this silence isn't because we have nothing to talk about it's because we're too busy making out to talk...or whatever".

And ironically enough, when me and Random talk on the phone, it's like for hours . Literally. We haven't had a phone conversation that's lasted less than 2 hours. We always have tons to talk about on the phone. I guess it's just easier to be relaxed when you're sitting on your couch in your pjs and he's doing whatever across town at his house. Maybe we should just have all our dates on the phone. We can go to the same movies or sit across from each other at a restaurant but never hanging up the phone, kind of like a security blanket. It may be a little freakish but, no relationship is perfect, right?

By the way, I went on a date tonight...it was good times.

PS - If When this works out, I'll be back to delete this post. So enjoy it while you can.

Why Internets aren't for Everybody

Speak out people! When you see an injustice you should raise your voice and demand social action and change! Well, maybe not everyone.

See more funny videos and Funny Videos at Today's Big Thing.

PS - SPELL CHECK DAMMIT!!

Tee Liveblogs The Hills Finale

8:57 - I get a little too excited and spill my popcorn. This is going to be equal parts horrible and awesome!

9:00 - Recap of all the vapid crap we've seen all season.

9:01 - Heidi tells her boss and coworker that she got married over her vacation. This is met with stunned silence and her boss says: "Uh, alright". BEST SHOW EVER! (Just so you know, I regularly find the Hills hilarious but this is the only moment I have ever actually laughed OUT LOUD), then called my sister to make her watch it 'cause it was so awesome.

9:03 - Lauren and Lo discuss the "SLS opening". Why do I never go to parties like this? Oh, right, because I'm a real person who doesn't live their life on TV. Apparently Heidi will be there. Best line: "I know how to be her best friend and I know how to hate her, I don't know how to do anything in between". Wow, with a best friend like that who needs frienemies?

9:06 - Justin Bobby and Audrina check into a hotel...no one cares, I fast-forward.

9:07 - Heidi comes home to find her mom and Spencer sitting in the living room. Spencer looks like he just got a spanking. You've got my full attention...and commercial.

Apparently Brody Jenner has a new reality/game show called "Bromance"(ahem, gay, ahem) Why do D-list celebrities have to win their friends on a game show? Can't they just make friends like normals?

9:15 - Darlene tears a strip off of Heidi. BEST SHOW EVER. Spencer sits on the couch and says nothing like a little bitch.

9:17 - Audrina and Justin Bobby order dinner. BOOO-ring!

9:21 - The inevitable meeting between Lauren and Heidi. Uncomfortable. Heidi cries when Lauren asks about her mom's reaction. Heidi says it's "Really hard", (then hows about you not have your parents find out you're married when they see you on the cover of Entertainment Weekly?). But seriously, I just want someone to grab Heidi by the shoulders, give her a good shake and say, "What the hell are you doing?!?"

9:28 - Preview of Whitney's new show: "The City". Yea, I can't wait. I'm a little pathetic.

9:31 - Spencer and Darlene discuss how he manipulated Heidi into getting married. She totally rocks. Best/Scariest Line: "We're going to the courthouse to make it legal, then you'll be my mom." And a little shiver runs down the spine of every mother there ever was.

9:33 - Boring crap with Justin Bobby and Audrina.

9:34 - City hall for disaster marriage. Heidi's mom is not there. While Heidi is in the bathroom, Stephanie tries to convince Spencer not to get married this way. Stephanie is a genius, Spencer's a tool and Heidi looks like she's going to throw up.

What follows is the beginning of the saddest, most pathetic wedding ever. I feel like I'm watching someone get sold into slavery. But then, at the very last minute...Spencer stops the ceremony and he says he wants to give her "the wedding of her dreams"...maybe I'm supposed to like him now, but I still don't. (BTW, not one person in this episode has congratulated Heidi on her marriage, in fact no one even smiled when they mentioned it...Heidi, jebus, PAY ATTENTION!)

9:40 - The realization that I've watched this insipid drivel for the last 16 weeks of my life starts to set in.

9:41 - Squatting in front of my toilet, I hold my hair back as I vomit.

9:42 - I set my tivo to tape "The City" next Monday.

9:43 - I come to terms with my addiction.

Fightin' like a karate kid

So I watched the Britney documentary (mockumentary?). I don't know why I expected different but it wasn't a very honest look at her life or explanation of her recent visits to Crazytown, USA. It was produced by her manager so I guess you just had to know it was going to be self-serving. And it's pretty hard to take her seriously when she says that she'd like to disappear and "make it all stop" as they cross cut to all her self-promoting media events.

And another thing: Brit, just admit you went a little nut-so when you shaved your head, don't feed us a line that it was cleansing or an act of rebellion. Just be honest and admit that you left your marbles in your other pair of short shorts that day. At least that way you'd get some sympathy. Nobody sane shaves their head just 'cause. They trim their bangs or buy a new pair of shoes.

But I thought it was really sad how fake her entourage seems. There is way too much laughing going on, the nervous kind that's just a little too loud and goes on a little too long. It's "I didn't drink the kool-aid but I don't want you to know that" kind of laughter. And at one point Brit's playing a game with her assistant and can't believe that she guessed correctly. She asks over and over if the assistant let her win. It's sad really, that she should have to pay people to treat her kindly or with respect. I guess it explains why she was so easily taken advantage of, she has no way of knowing who she can trust without having to sign a cheque.

So I felt pretty bad for poor Britney, but then I changed the channel and realized that there are children in our world who are starving to death, trying to survive war, abuse, or poverty and I realized that I really shouldn't give a shit about Britney. She's got lots of money and she'll be well fed and clothed for the rest of her days so I'm not going to lose any sleep over her...but Amy Winehouse...that's a different story...

Best Show EVAH!!!

This is my new favourite show...it's called Summer Heights High. Part of the mockumentary follows the drama teacher who writes the yearly musical about a student who accidentally overdoses on ecstasy ("I'm a bad girl with a bad habit, a bad habit for drugs...") and much of the dancing includes poles. The lyrics are surprisingly poignant: "at Summer Heights High...it's a bummer heights high".

Honestly people, this is the best thing I've seen in a long time!! Watch and be amazed.

The most awkward thing on the net....

I'm apologizing in advance, this is disturbing on many levels. And I can't even tell you how it ends because there's no way I could make it all the way through to the end. So I'm inflicting this on you...so there!

Let the Change Begin....

Bare Naked Ladies - (at the gym)

Ok, so I've been going to the gym in the mornings. I actually really like it, and as a non-morning person, I never thought I would. But...

I don't like when naked ladies walk around the changeroom. I'm not comfortable with nudity, any kind of nudity, but especially the ugly kind. I've tried to adapt: I shower (in my bathing suit - hey, I'm not a hypocrite) as quickly as possible and with my eyes averted. But I keep running into things and I'm still having awkward encounters so I've made a list of rules, nudity rules if you will...

1. You're walking around naked but carrying your towel. USE THAT TOWEL DAMMIT!! It's right there, slung across your arm put that puppy to use and cover your shame!! No naked walking: all towels all the time.

2. Don't talk to me if you're naked, especially if you don't know me, or even if you DO know me, wait, ESPECIALLY if you know me. Let's just keep it simple: No Naked Talking ever, it should be dead silent in the change room. It may not be friendly, but I don't want to be naked friendly.

3. When changing, keep your items close at hand, no reaching for things. When you reach things move and dangle, and it's gross and awkward. And dear God, no bending, EVER. No naked bending or reaching.

4. Half-naked is still naked. I don't want to see you blow-drying your hair with a shirt on but no pants or underwear. Seriously, who gets ready this way, IN PUBLIC! Jesus! Or standing at the mirror applying eye make up with tights, skirt, heels but no shirt. Wha? Half naked is still whole wrong.

Naked changerooms are for porn movies and teenaged boys' fantasies. It's time for a change, literally, for god sake, CHANGE INTO SOME CLOTHES, as quickly as possible please.

Newsflash! Cat flushes toilet, hundreds amazed!

These people have too much time on their hands. But I can't wait for part II - Dog loads dishwasher...

"I'm not here to make friends' - A reality-show confessional

I didn't come here to make friends. I'm here to win, and possibly be berated and humiliated on national television, but mostly to win. And if that makes some people angry, well, that's just not my problem. They're just jealous, or maybe I intimidate them because I'm clearly the frontrunner. I'm not going to apologize for wanting to win. I've been waiting my whole life for this opportunity to show people my cooking/modeling/fashion designing/hair styling/singing and dancing skills and I'm going all the way to the end/Fashion Week/Final Two/Final Four/Final showdown/Final countdown.

I know I'm misunderstood. The judges just don't get my esthetic/point of view/bizarre hair style/weird catch phrase. But that don't mean I'm not gonna come out on top. I've been working for this my whole life and it's all coming down to this moment/performance/challenge/vote. But you can't hold me down. (slowly disolving into tears) I've overcome adversity/health issues/a difficult childhood/rush hour traffic to get here and nobody gonna hold me back. You just wait and see, you're gonna know my face/name/clothes/embarassing YouTube moment. You haven't seen the last of me.

An Open Letter...

Dear Friend,

I love you, I think you're wonderful. But please stop calling me to complain about your life.

I can appreciate a good vent better than anyone, but it is very frustrating to listen to your petty complaints about an otherwise charmed life. When you're well-fed, well-dressed and happy in your large, comfortable home it's very difficult for me to have the appropriate amount of sympathy when you complain (at length) about stupid things. Your complaints are the middle income equivalent of complaining about how expensive the gas is to fill your Hummer.

That's not to say I don't want to bitch about stuff with you...I totally do, I love to bitch about things...but for an appropriate amount of time, not 45 minutes about how hard it is to unscrew the gas cap on your BMW. But enough with the car analogy...


And by the way, when you have something that others do not (and would really, really, really like to have) you shouldn't complain about that thing in front of them. It's insensitive and kind of mean. And then when other people say you're self-absorbed, it makes it difficult to disagree with them.

This comes from a place of love, honestly, but also of passive-agressiveness. I'm venting about you here because I know you don't read my blog and I guess we're not really good enough friends for me to say this to your face.

PS..I know that you hate the new Facebook, but get the fuck over it.

You have 1 New Friend Request

Honestly I tried...it's just really hard to keep up a post a day...please forgive me. On another note, I think this is really funny. Don't forget to read the comments, some of them made me laugh out loud!

High school mentality

A girl I went to high school with added me on Facebook. The name seemed familiar but I had to look her up in my yearbook to actually remember who she was. I felt kind of obligated to add her as a friend so I did, all the while secretly planning to delete her after a week. I know, I know it's so passive aggressive but I didn't want to hurt her feelings, this girl, that I barely remember.

I checked her friend list for people I knew. She had added about 200 people that we went to high school with. I thought that it was amazing that she had kept in touch with so many people (then I realized they were probably random add-ins like me).

Isn't it so funny how some people have such a hard time letting go of high school? They stay friends with their H.S. buddies long after out growing the friendship, they reminisce about parties and asinine things that all 16 year old kids do, like those 4 years were the greatest thing to ever happen to them. Or some people are so traumatized by H.S. that they bitch about it forever.

I had a great H.S. experience but very rarely think about it, sometimes I'll see someone that looks vaguely familiar and then, like 3 days later, realize they were in 90% of my classes.

I always tell my students to make the best out of those 4 years, get involved, enjoy the experience. But what I really want to tell them is that, good or bad, it goes fast, and that it shouldn't be their defining experience. Talk about peaking too soon. If I could be totally honest I'd tell them, live it, get over it, and move on.

We meet again...

So, we meet again Teen Wolf...so I've blogged before about my concerns with Teen Wolf. In the sporting arena I have some serious misgivings. Besides the fact that I don't think it's fair for animals to compete in high school athletics, (I'm looking at you Air Bud), I think that Teen Wolf has some serious anger management issues that I think may be outside the purview of a high school guidance counsellor. Teen Wolf is a time bomb waiting to happen, and I don't want to be around to clean up that hairy mess.

Alright, alright, alright

Congratulations to my favourite bongo player(s).

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

So, are you single or what?

You know what I just don't get enough of? Awkwardness. I wish there were some way to increase the number of times in my day where I have weird men walking up to me and creeping me out. There's nothing quite as ego boosting as an encounter which makes you contemplate a restraining order. If only there were some way to send out a "please, creep on me" vibe, a loser batsignal if you will. Where, oh where, could I possibly find such a wonder?

Clean up aisle three

Everybody Loves Raymond

This made me laugh out loud...hilarious!!

Let the good times roll!

I'm so close to being on holidays I can TASTE it!! But I'm keeping an eye on you...



I poached this from here...

Too Much Information

I love this article about "over-sharing", it really made me think twice about the kind of stuff I put on my Facebook or blog about. (Not that I was much of a sharer in the first place). It's a little long, but an interesting insight.

**She talks about her Larry King Live interview so here's the link. But read the article first cheater!

Boomerang

This is one of the sites I read because it's related to technology and education. I am so fascinated by how available technology is changing the way we learn, considering the sheer volume of information floating around out there. I think this post is really cute, and I can just picture this happening with some students I know...

Boomerang

Posted using ShareThis

It's all in the chemistry

I hated chemistry in high school. My class was taught by Mr. K, who would say things like: “blah blah stochiometric calculations blah blah , but then we all know that don’t we?” And me, sitting clueless in the front row with a dumb-founded look on my face, would think: “If I already knew this then why would I be here?” But he wasn’t really asking, it was more like: “if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you are a complete moron”. And for the first time in my life I seriously felt like one.

I had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on in class. I was too scared to ask for help because Mr. K was so intimidating, so my midterm grade was a D. I’d never gotten a D in my life and as punishment my mom made me go to the parent/teacher interview with her. It was so mortifying, I think almost as much so for Mr. K who kept looking at me like I’d grown a 3rd eye for extra-credit. My mom asked Mr. K. if I wasn’t paying attention or skipping classes or not doing my assignments, Mr. K said I hadn’t been doing any of these things. So, my mom asked him why I was doing so poorly. Mr. K. said the wrong thing. He told my mom that some kids “just weren’t smart in school”. Holy chemical reaction batman! That was not the right thing to say. My mom said she couldn’t understand why an honour roll student (me) was almost failing his class. (Yea Mom!) She wondered aloud why the class average was so low (You tell ‘em!) and why I was too intimidated by my teacher to approach him for help. (You go girl!) She said that I would be happy to meet with him twice a week at his convenience for extra help until my grade improved (hey…wait a second). And that she would review the material and assignments with me each night. (oh crap)

So I met with him twice a week (torture) and my mom hounded me about my homework (nothing new) and eventually my mark improved. But I definitely didn’t take chemistry the next year. (I took drama instead…I wasn’t very good). Anyways, it always bothered me that Mr. K thought I was a moron, or worse, lazy. I’d like to go back and smack him with my Master’s degree but he’s long since retired.

Aaanyways…if chemistry had been taught like this maybe today I’d be splitting atoms like a champ (ok, probably not).

In the category of things you should never eat...

#1 on the list

Interesting Stats

I poached this from here.

Party Like a Rock Star

So, on Thursday I spent a long evening binge drinking at a local food and wine tasting event (you know the one) and last night I went to the opening of a new lounge at a bar. I'm not gonna lie, Friday was hands down the most hung over I have been in a long time and work totally sucked. But I earned it and I deserved it and I learned my lesson right? Yea, not so much, last night I had a late night and today I feel like ass, and I didn't even drink! I'm just tired because I was out until 4 in the morning. When did this happen?!? In university I could get 2 or 3 hours sleep, wake up and be a productive member of society, today I'll be lucky to get off the couch. When did I get old? Where did my youth go?!? Oh well, at least I had a good time. I'm going back to bed.

Kids these days

My first reaction when I watched this video was to laugh. It shows a big brother totally torturing his lil bro by screwing with his myspace page. When I showed it to some people and they were totally horrified. Someone said "That kid is obviously not well, how could someone be so cruel?".

Maybe I should take this opportunity to apologize to my brother and sister, because I can definitely remember teasing them to the point where they were screaming like this kid. I don't think there's anything wrong with these kids, and I don't think that myspace is to blame here. Kids get obsessed with things and older siblings are sometimes dicks...that's just how it is. It's too bad this video ended up on YouTube though, it's pretty hard to come back from that, just ask Star Wars kid. But you just know that Older Brother got an ass kicking from Mom and Dad when they saw that. Which is just as it should be.

Ken Lee...da diba diba da dooooo

Confession: I am a mediocre singer. I am not tone deaf, I have really good pitch, I can read music and I can usually figure out a good harmony here and there because my years of piano and such. I can feel pretty confident singing loudly in church but I realize that I am a mediocre singer though because there's nothing particularly interesting about my voice, it's just normal, average even and I'm ok with that. I do however, enjoy rocking out in my car when I'm by myself. You've probably even seen me; I'm that weirdo chick singing loudly to herself in the car beside you at the red light, but hey, that just makes me fun. I do pride myself on knowing all the words at least. I'm going to master this new song though, it's called "Ken Lee", and although I can't place it, it's very familiar.

Bottom's up!

I get it... the Flintstones make kids want to eat their vitamins and having Dora on the band-aids eases the boo boos. But I don't get what this is about...(Yes, that really is a Sponge Bob rectal thermometer)
Would you put that in your bikini bottom?? Here's the link.

too literal??

I hate when people use the word "literally" incorrectly. Sometimes people use it for emphasis and it's just wrong (literally!). Like: "I was literally scared to death." Really? Wow, you're incredibly animated for a corpse.

It's one thing for someone to misuse it in casual conversation (which is unforgivable, figuratively, because I could actually forgive you for using it incorrectly) but it's pretty unbelievable to see it misused in a news item, but it is funny so... Check this out

My new favourite insult...

This makes me giggle...hee hee

I'm artsy-fartsy

More nonsense...

Ok, in the same vein of wackiness, watch this video. I think it's totally crazy and unexplainable. I have no idea where this is from or what it's purpose is, but I thought it was hysterical. Although I AM a little mentally unbalanced...but only a little.

A little nonsense never hurt anyone

Ok, I'm issuing a challenge...I think we can explain this, so leave your theories in the comments.

The devil's in the details

Me and God, we's-a fussin' and a feudin'...there's gonna be some karmic retribution tomorrow I bet...

Give it to me straight...

You guys, you're my friends and if you think I'm a prostitute I sure hope you'd say it to my face, it would be so humiliating to hear it from a stranger at a restaurant. That being said, leave the money on the dresser on your way out.

Did you lose something?

Don't you just hate it when you misplace something important?

Crabby Enjoy Happy Time

Apparently the Japanese don't like Paris any more than we do...

Aww Poor Tom

New Years Resolutions

I've never really made New Years Resolutions. In fact, I kind of resent them. It pisses me off when I can't find a parking spot at the gym because of all the newbies with their NYRs. Then the classes I have been taking all year are suddenly full of NYR-ers who ask stupid questions that were answered in September - WHEN THE CLASS STARTED!! Now don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome that people decide to get in shape, that's why I'm at the gym too and I'm no one to judge. I just wish they'd all get together and decide to go at a time when it's most convenient for me. That's not too much to ask is it?

Need a Panflute?

Let's Get Political

Why I'm not Depressed about Turning 30

So it's the big 29B this week. For the last few days my coworkers have been giving me a hard time about turning 30. One woman told me she spent her 30th birthday getting drunk and crying, nice... I am definitely not feeling that. I have to say that I'm feeling pretty good going into my 30s.

First of all, I've decided that I'm not getting older, I'm getting better. I feel like I know myself better now than I ever did in my twenties, and I'm a much more confident, together person than I was even a year ago.

I had a really great year this year: I trained for and ran in a mini-triathlon, had a great summer trip with friends and I got my master's degree.

And...I have a lot to be grateful for; I have a job I love, great family and friends and things are looking good for the new year. Wow! This is a really optimistic post! That's the holidays for you I guess...Merry Triciamas!

Why there's no milk in my fridge...

At midnight I decide to take advantage of the totally ridiculous fact that the "Super-mart" is open 24 hours to get a few groceries. As always I get my little basket and haul ass around the store picking up my few items. Walking around the deserted store I think to myself, "I'm a total genius! By the time I've got my few things and have gone through the self-checkout, I should be back to the car in under 10 minutes." (I'm super awesome right? Right! "Super-mart" however, is not.)

While mentally patting myself on the back I notice, to my horror, that the self-checkout is not open, in fact there is only ONE lane open. I realize that all the other super awesome people who are geniuses are waiting in a line stretching from the 1st lane to the other side of the store. I also notice that most people have their giant carts full to the brim and as I walk past the huge line with my 6 items in my basket I say to myself, "shit, shit, shit, shit". I turn to the nearest person waiting in line who then informs me that she's been waiting for "at least 25 minutes". "WTF!?!" I think to myself while wondering how this is any more convenient than waiting 25 minutes at a reasonable grocery shopping time.

I walk down the nearest aisle where I place my basket on the floor and walk away. As I walk out the door empty handed, I try not to think about how long it will take a store employee to find and put away the milk and fish I have left, on the floor, next to the dog food in aisle 4. I also try not to think about how angry I am at "Super-mart", not only for making me feel sad and pathetic for shopping at midnight on a Saturday night, but also for just being jerks in general. Thanks "Super-mart"!

It's Fate!

So, I know I haven't posted in a really long time...I'm sorry. But if there were more people than just the three of you reading this I might be more motivated...anyways!

So you know how I always rant about people at the movies? (See previous posts) Well, my sister's show is doing a segment about movie etiquette (oh how far our society has fallen when we need to point out all the ways we're rude) and I'm hosting it! HILARIOUS! I get to do dramatic re-enactments of ways that people are rude at the movies. It's like the very best thing that could ever happen!!

Oh yea...and yay Riders!

Cette annee-la!

This is so funny...it makes me giggle. Just a little something to get your weekend started!

Randoms

I don't want to write a real post so I'm just going to jot random things...

• Mika, the British singer, has a disturbingly high pitched voice. Higher than most, if not all women I know or have ever met. I'm not sure what I think about this...but I noticed it and thought I'd let you know I noticed this.
• Text messages are fun, but are for people who are too lazy to talk...and that's pretty lazy.
• I don't really think I like Swiss cheese best, that's just a rumour.
• I prefer Matt Damon when he's running around looking hot and beating up people. I don't really need to hear him speak.
• My mom asked me on Saturday, "Is that Awkward Chris?" and it made my day that she knew about Awkward Chris.
  
• I never actually told my mom about A.C. so I wonder how she knew about him. Maybe word's getting around town.
• I only have 9 more days before I have to go back to work. I have to start getting my sleeping patterns into some kind of order.
• Potato salad doesn't need ham to feel complete.
  

Weirdo...

Wanna see something creepy?

Tick Tock

This post is going to make people angry....this is probably going to be my most controversial post yet, even more than my "don't bring your baby to a movie" post. In fact, I think this post is going to create a lot of conversation among the two people who actually read my blog...so here goes...

I am not quite a full week into my summer holidays and...I'm bored. I know, I know, you guys are busting your asses, working your 60 hour work week, bringing home the bacon and you don't want to hear me whine about my excess of free time. I totally recognize that I'm a jerk for even thinking that this is a "problem", I hear you, I agree with you but suspend your disapproval long enough to read my rant, then you can yell at me in the comments.

So, it's hard to find things to do by yourself in the middle of the week. Everyone I know has a real job and they're working all day. I'm killing time by cleaning my house and reading perezhilton.com, it's sad really. There is nothing good on TV in the middle of the day, and, since I'm not being paid, I have no money to just shop my days away. Imagine, if you will, how I spent the other day. I woke up about 8AM, 'cause I'm too old to be able to sleep in, wandered around my house for a bit, read Perez, answered some email, checked my facebook, went for a bike ride (by myself), called my Mom, checked my email, checked my facebook (oh look, someone added some random application...that's moderately interesting), vacuumed my stairs, turned on the TV, turned off the TV, checked my facebook....you get the picture, the only thing missing was the song "All by Myself" playing in the background.

Now don't get me wrong, this is a problem I'd rather have than being worked off my ass, and in the realm of problems, it ranks pretty low. So I'm throwing this question out to you, poor hard-working souls. What would you do if you had infinite (albeit independent) time on your hands? FILL MY TIME PLEASE!! 'Cause I think I'm developing a problem/addiction to facebook.

Growing Pains and Snot Bubbles

Do you ever have that moment where you think, "holy crap, I'm a grown-up"? Usually it hits me when I'm standing in front of a class full of 12 year-olds. I'll have a moment of panic where I think someone has made a terrible mistake and left me in charge. All of a sudden the monkeys are running the zoo; all the kids are looking at me and doing what I tell them and I feel like a fraud. But then the panic subsides and I think, "holy crap, I'm a grown-up".

Today I'm having HCIAGU moments all over the place. First of all a "real" grown up asked me for some help on her masters thesis, which is hilarious. At one time in my life I was obsessed with New Kids on the Block, and now someone wants me to help them write a dissertation. (HCIAGU!)

Then, I went to my best friend from kindergarten to grade 12's pre-wedding social. I look over and the girl who used to make me pee my pants laughing by blowing snot bubbles on command, was standing beside her future mother-in-law. Just for a second I thought, "You're not old enough to have a mother-in-law! You just got your driver's license!" But then I remember, she's almost 30 (HCIAGU!).

I honestly never feel old. In fact I still feel like a kid sometimes. I think part of it is teaching elementary school, it somewhat stunts your maturity in that you're constantly reliving experiences from adolescence, just from a different perspective. However, I think watching my oldest friend get married this weekend may be a turning point. I may just have to accept that I'm a grown up. I'm still going to look forward to recess though, and blow the occasional snot bubble.

ihate the iphone

I'm sick of hearing about the iphone. Here's some advice people, save your money 'cause in 6 months it'll be cheaper, smaller and better, just like the ipod, ipod nano, ipod shuffle and ipod video.

However, this video is awesome, it's totally the universe telling this stupid lady: "you're awful and pretentious and as such karma's gonna bite you in the ass". Money may talk but in this case it’s just telling you that you’re an idiot.

...and the countdown reaches it's climactic conclusion...

1 MORE DAY!! Breakfast tomorrow with my staff and then I'm done at noon...I may even have a nap tomorrow, not because I'll need one, but just because I can!

The countdown nears it's finish...

2 more days...tomorrow we meet and meet and meet...

...and the Countdown goes on and on...

3 more days!! Tomorrow I bowl...mwah ha ha ha ha!

Air quotes

This is in response to this awesome post about using quotation marks incorrectly. This image came from foundmagazine.com. I really don't want to know what kind of home-made contraption a "tampon" is, and if it's not a real toilet bowl, what is it? No, don't tell me, I really don't want to know.

"t"

The countdown continues...

4 more days!! Tomorrow I have to have a pizza lunch and watch a talent show. Life is tough...

The countdown begins...

5 more days!! Tomorrow we race cars all morning...god my job is so hard.

Hell Week

Have you ever noticed how everything seems to happen at once? This is hell week for me, I've got this massive paper due (that's pretty much ruling my life at the moment), a presentation to plan and give, a 25 minute video that I need to finish shooting and edit, a grade 8 farewell to organize, a bridal shower to help plan and to attend out of town, and I'm trying to fit in runs, bikes and swims for this mini-triathlon that my friend Kyla talked me into. So, all of this stuff is going on this week. Next week however...nothing, in fact, there'll be nothing to stress me out after Monday of next week (other than the usual).

So, I apologize if I've forgotten your birthday or something in the last few days, or if I'm a huge, self-centered, pain in the ass or if I've gotten on your nerves whining and complaining that I've got so much stuff to do. I'm running on a few hours sleep a night and it seems that all roads in my life are converging at one big traffic accident at the moment. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and July is going to be awesome, and hopefully, well-deserved! So, for now, leave me alone! I've got some shit to take care of...

Ode to Procrastination

Oh Fair Procrastination, how thou doth burden me!
I try to commence my chore
but to no avail, for more pleasant tasks absorb my attention

My conscience stirs, it calls to me:
"get back to work you lazy ass"
And yet, I cannot,
nay, for there is a Simpson's episode dawning,
the likes of which I have never seen.

Again, my worries do call:
"Thou time is almost ended, you must return to your toil!"
But instead, mine eyes do see that the floor requires sweeping
or that I should really arrange my DVDs alphabetically.

Oh this affliction, I do abhor thee!
Why doest thou harass me with such vigor!

Common Sense is Not So Common

Ok, so I just got home from seeing "Knocked Up" with my buds. It was funny, I liked it. I almost don't mind paying $10 to see a movie when it doesn't suck. I do mind however, paying $10 and listening to a baby cry through an entire movie.

I just don't understand people. Why are you bringing a 2 year old to an "R" rated movie with multiple sex scenes in it? Yea, maybe babies don't understand what's going on but it's still inappropriate. And why would you take a baby to a late movie on a Saturday night, aren't babies supposed to be in bed at a reasonable hour?

It's not like this was Shrek or something where at least the baby could get something out of watching the pictures, it was a adult movie, about adult topics, with adults actually in the movie, what's a two year old going to enjoy about that? When you see "family" movies, you expect that there will be children in the audience and that they may cry or be kind of noisy, so it's no big deal. I don't think that it's fair to all the paying customers who go to see a film that is obviously not intended for children, to have to listen to a baby cry the entire time. And by the way, TAKE THE KID OUT OF THE ROOM. I'm sure you're not enjoying the movie with a screaming kid on your lap so what makes you think the rest of us are?

Hey, I'm pro-baby, I'm on team baby, I enjoy children and I invite you all to have 10 of them if you so wish. I'm no baby-hater, but I just think that this is a good example of people who are not using their common sense, which seems to be less and less common these days. Or maybe these people are just so self-absorbed they don't know what's going on around them or maybe they just don't care. They have special screenings for parents and kids, go to one of those, or get a babysitter, or rent a movie.

Just a final note to all you offenders, when you're in the theatre with your screaming baby, everyone in the theatre is judging you. It may not be nice, it may not be fair, but at that moment everyone in the room thinks you are a bad parent. If I were you, just knowing that, would be reason enough for me to leave the kids at home.

Play Time

When you were growing up did you have that friend who had all the toys that you wanted but didn't have? I swear I had this friend who I only hung out with because her stuff was cooler than mine. I'm buying a birthday present for my best friend's daughter and it reminded me of all the things I wanted as a kid but didn't have, here's a list. (This list is in no way comprehensive, I was a very needy child)

• Snoopy Snow Cone Maker - the most impractical toy ever. It was super hard to use and once you ran out of the syrup it was mostly just an elaborate ice shaver.
• Nintendo Gameboy - it's smaller than a compact car but bigger than a breadbox, it's the 80's version of gameboy, now I think they just implant them directly into the user's brain. I always wanted one even though I didn't really like video games, I probably would have developed a Tetris addiction.
• Guess Who Board Game - I loved this game. I can't explain exactly why but this was hands down, my favourite board game. Actually it still is, I would still play this game.
• Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego video game - back before the television show it was really cool, but then Rockapella ruined that. Where in the world is Rockapella? That's a mystery no one wants solved.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head, I'm sure I could come up with more, like I said, I coveted a lot of things in my youth. (oh, who am I kidding, I still want lots of stuff) What would you add to my list?

An Open Letter to Gas Pigs

Today I witnessed something that made me angry, horrified and appalled. After shopping at Costco (because, yes, I am a little white-trashy), I walked out into the parking lot where a couple were standing beside their large 1/2 ton truck smoking (which in itself is horrifying). It's a pretty nice day today, but it's not scorching hot, yet those people were standing there puffing on their cancer sticks while their gas-guzzler was running. They were running their truck with the a/c blowing so it would cool down before they got in! I turned to my friend and made a snarky comment like: "wow, at $1.20 a litre, these people must be millionaires." They might as well just light their money on fire. But even more appalling is the fact that there are people AT WAR because of our gas consumption practices. I bet those soldiers in IRAQ would love to have some air conditioning while they're busy TRYING NOT TO DIE, not to mention the environmental damage you're doing just because it's a little hot outside and you're a douche bag.

Congratulations to you if you can afford a hummer or to just throw your money away by wasting fuel, but that doesn't mean you should actually do it. Just because you have a small penis or low self-esteem doesn't mean that we should all have to suffer. And for the rest of us that actually give a shit, maybe if we start being a little more vocal people will get the point that it's not cool to be a gas pig.

Happy Trails to You

Ok, I'm throwing this idea out into the universe and you can disagree if you want to, but...I think series finales are never satisfying. I'm speaking specifically about Gilmore Girls here, but really, has anyone ever been totally satisfied when a well-loved show ends? Seinfeld...not satisfying, Friends...not satisfying...Sex in the City...moderately satisfying. Gilmore Girls...NOT SATISFYING!! It just seemed like everything ended too quickly and all the loose ends just wrapped up too neatly, ya know? Maybe I'm just bitter it's over. Let's be honest, in a week or two I won't even miss it.

I'm baaack!

Well, maybe it's the whiskey talking, or maybe it's the fact that I'm procrastinating, either way, I'm back on the blog.

Jamie's is hilarious, and Erin's is updated sporadically at best, and they've inspired me to start anew.

Tonight, Cindy, Farley and I waited in line for almost 2 hours to meet Phil from the amazing race. I really wanted to ask Phil to record my new phone message, it would go something like this: "Tricia is away on a trip sponsored by our friends at Travelocity, the last team to leave her a message may be eliminated, you have $1.00 for this leg of the race." Unfortunately all I got was a picture, it's fantastic so I'll post it when Farley sends it to me.

As we were waiting in line I filled out an application for Phil's (we're best friends now so I can call him Phil) new TV show about people facing their fears and wanting to do something crazy like bungee jumping or something. I couldn't really come up with anything. Apparently I'm very boring and have no ambition. Just thought you all should know. Maybe if you think of something I could aspire to you could let me know.

Scary Mary

Julie Andrews scares the crap out of me.

Superman's kind of a dick

This has been the longest week ever! Who wants to go drinking at Agribition on Saturday....anyone anyone? Ok, watch this...it's funny.

Are you a good driver?

Apparently I am a fantastic driver. I mean, I always knew I was a great driver but now I have actual scientific confirmation. 'Cause everything on the Internet is scientific right?

Has anyone seen Cindy?

Imaginary friends rock! Having one doesn't make you strange or scary. Right Cindy? Cindy?

New link

It's been busy people, but I promise to find some time for funny posts soon. In the meantime...check out woot.com. It features one deal a day and when it's gone, it's gone. It's kind of a neat idea.