Tee Liveblogs The Hills Finale

8:57 - I get a little too excited and spill my popcorn. This is going to be equal parts horrible and awesome!

9:00 - Recap of all the vapid crap we've seen all season.

9:01 - Heidi tells her boss and coworker that she got married over her vacation. This is met with stunned silence and her boss says: "Uh, alright". BEST SHOW EVER! (Just so you know, I regularly find the Hills hilarious but this is the only moment I have ever actually laughed OUT LOUD), then called my sister to make her watch it 'cause it was so awesome.

9:03 - Lauren and Lo discuss the "SLS opening". Why do I never go to parties like this? Oh, right, because I'm a real person who doesn't live their life on TV. Apparently Heidi will be there. Best line: "I know how to be her best friend and I know how to hate her, I don't know how to do anything in between". Wow, with a best friend like that who needs frienemies?

9:06 - Justin Bobby and Audrina check into a hotel...no one cares, I fast-forward.

9:07 - Heidi comes home to find her mom and Spencer sitting in the living room. Spencer looks like he just got a spanking. You've got my full attention...and commercial.

Apparently Brody Jenner has a new reality/game show called "Bromance"(ahem, gay, ahem) Why do D-list celebrities have to win their friends on a game show? Can't they just make friends like normals?

9:15 - Darlene tears a strip off of Heidi. BEST SHOW EVER. Spencer sits on the couch and says nothing like a little bitch.

9:17 - Audrina and Justin Bobby order dinner. BOOO-ring!

9:21 - The inevitable meeting between Lauren and Heidi. Uncomfortable. Heidi cries when Lauren asks about her mom's reaction. Heidi says it's "Really hard", (then hows about you not have your parents find out you're married when they see you on the cover of Entertainment Weekly?). But seriously, I just want someone to grab Heidi by the shoulders, give her a good shake and say, "What the hell are you doing?!?"

9:28 - Preview of Whitney's new show: "The City". Yea, I can't wait. I'm a little pathetic.

9:31 - Spencer and Darlene discuss how he manipulated Heidi into getting married. She totally rocks. Best/Scariest Line: "We're going to the courthouse to make it legal, then you'll be my mom." And a little shiver runs down the spine of every mother there ever was.

9:33 - Boring crap with Justin Bobby and Audrina.

9:34 - City hall for disaster marriage. Heidi's mom is not there. While Heidi is in the bathroom, Stephanie tries to convince Spencer not to get married this way. Stephanie is a genius, Spencer's a tool and Heidi looks like she's going to throw up.

What follows is the beginning of the saddest, most pathetic wedding ever. I feel like I'm watching someone get sold into slavery. But then, at the very last minute...Spencer stops the ceremony and he says he wants to give her "the wedding of her dreams"...maybe I'm supposed to like him now, but I still don't. (BTW, not one person in this episode has congratulated Heidi on her marriage, in fact no one even smiled when they mentioned it...Heidi, jebus, PAY ATTENTION!)

9:40 - The realization that I've watched this insipid drivel for the last 16 weeks of my life starts to set in.

9:41 - Squatting in front of my toilet, I hold my hair back as I vomit.

9:42 - I set my tivo to tape "The City" next Monday.

9:43 - I come to terms with my addiction.