Tee Liveblogs The Hills Finale

8:57 - I get a little too excited and spill my popcorn. This is going to be equal parts horrible and awesome!

9:00 - Recap of all the vapid crap we've seen all season.

9:01 - Heidi tells her boss and coworker that she got married over her vacation. This is met with stunned silence and her boss says: "Uh, alright". BEST SHOW EVER! (Just so you know, I regularly find the Hills hilarious but this is the only moment I have ever actually laughed OUT LOUD), then called my sister to make her watch it 'cause it was so awesome.

9:03 - Lauren and Lo discuss the "SLS opening". Why do I never go to parties like this? Oh, right, because I'm a real person who doesn't live their life on TV. Apparently Heidi will be there. Best line: "I know how to be her best friend and I know how to hate her, I don't know how to do anything in between". Wow, with a best friend like that who needs frienemies?

9:06 - Justin Bobby and Audrina check into a hotel...no one cares, I fast-forward.

9:07 - Heidi comes home to find her mom and Spencer sitting in the living room. Spencer looks like he just got a spanking. You've got my full attention...and commercial.

Apparently Brody Jenner has a new reality/game show called "Bromance"(ahem, gay, ahem) Why do D-list celebrities have to win their friends on a game show? Can't they just make friends like normals?

9:15 - Darlene tears a strip off of Heidi. BEST SHOW EVER. Spencer sits on the couch and says nothing like a little bitch.

9:17 - Audrina and Justin Bobby order dinner. BOOO-ring!

9:21 - The inevitable meeting between Lauren and Heidi. Uncomfortable. Heidi cries when Lauren asks about her mom's reaction. Heidi says it's "Really hard", (then hows about you not have your parents find out you're married when they see you on the cover of Entertainment Weekly?). But seriously, I just want someone to grab Heidi by the shoulders, give her a good shake and say, "What the hell are you doing?!?"

9:28 - Preview of Whitney's new show: "The City". Yea, I can't wait. I'm a little pathetic.

9:31 - Spencer and Darlene discuss how he manipulated Heidi into getting married. She totally rocks. Best/Scariest Line: "We're going to the courthouse to make it legal, then you'll be my mom." And a little shiver runs down the spine of every mother there ever was.

9:33 - Boring crap with Justin Bobby and Audrina.

9:34 - City hall for disaster marriage. Heidi's mom is not there. While Heidi is in the bathroom, Stephanie tries to convince Spencer not to get married this way. Stephanie is a genius, Spencer's a tool and Heidi looks like she's going to throw up.

What follows is the beginning of the saddest, most pathetic wedding ever. I feel like I'm watching someone get sold into slavery. But then, at the very last minute...Spencer stops the ceremony and he says he wants to give her "the wedding of her dreams"...maybe I'm supposed to like him now, but I still don't. (BTW, not one person in this episode has congratulated Heidi on her marriage, in fact no one even smiled when they mentioned it...Heidi, jebus, PAY ATTENTION!)

9:40 - The realization that I've watched this insipid drivel for the last 16 weeks of my life starts to set in.

9:41 - Squatting in front of my toilet, I hold my hair back as I vomit.

9:42 - I set my tivo to tape "The City" next Monday.

9:43 - I come to terms with my addiction.

Fightin' like a karate kid

So I watched the Britney documentary (mockumentary?). I don't know why I expected different but it wasn't a very honest look at her life or explanation of her recent visits to Crazytown, USA. It was produced by her manager so I guess you just had to know it was going to be self-serving. And it's pretty hard to take her seriously when she says that she'd like to disappear and "make it all stop" as they cross cut to all her self-promoting media events.

And another thing: Brit, just admit you went a little nut-so when you shaved your head, don't feed us a line that it was cleansing or an act of rebellion. Just be honest and admit that you left your marbles in your other pair of short shorts that day. At least that way you'd get some sympathy. Nobody sane shaves their head just 'cause. They trim their bangs or buy a new pair of shoes.

But I thought it was really sad how fake her entourage seems. There is way too much laughing going on, the nervous kind that's just a little too loud and goes on a little too long. It's "I didn't drink the kool-aid but I don't want you to know that" kind of laughter. And at one point Brit's playing a game with her assistant and can't believe that she guessed correctly. She asks over and over if the assistant let her win. It's sad really, that she should have to pay people to treat her kindly or with respect. I guess it explains why she was so easily taken advantage of, she has no way of knowing who she can trust without having to sign a cheque.

So I felt pretty bad for poor Britney, but then I changed the channel and realized that there are children in our world who are starving to death, trying to survive war, abuse, or poverty and I realized that I really shouldn't give a shit about Britney. She's got lots of money and she'll be well fed and clothed for the rest of her days so I'm not going to lose any sleep over her...but Amy Winehouse...that's a different story...

Best Show EVAH!!!

This is my new favourite show...it's called Summer Heights High. Part of the mockumentary follows the drama teacher who writes the yearly musical about a student who accidentally overdoses on ecstasy ("I'm a bad girl with a bad habit, a bad habit for drugs...") and much of the dancing includes poles. The lyrics are surprisingly poignant: "at Summer Heights High...it's a bummer heights high".

Honestly people, this is the best thing I've seen in a long time!! Watch and be amazed.

The most awkward thing on the net....

I'm apologizing in advance, this is disturbing on many levels. And I can't even tell you how it ends because there's no way I could make it all the way through to the end. So I'm inflicting this on you...so there!

Let the Change Begin....

Bare Naked Ladies - (at the gym)

Ok, so I've been going to the gym in the mornings. I actually really like it, and as a non-morning person, I never thought I would. But...

I don't like when naked ladies walk around the changeroom. I'm not comfortable with nudity, any kind of nudity, but especially the ugly kind. I've tried to adapt: I shower (in my bathing suit - hey, I'm not a hypocrite) as quickly as possible and with my eyes averted. But I keep running into things and I'm still having awkward encounters so I've made a list of rules, nudity rules if you will...

1. You're walking around naked but carrying your towel. USE THAT TOWEL DAMMIT!! It's right there, slung across your arm put that puppy to use and cover your shame!! No naked walking: all towels all the time.

2. Don't talk to me if you're naked, especially if you don't know me, or even if you DO know me, wait, ESPECIALLY if you know me. Let's just keep it simple: No Naked Talking ever, it should be dead silent in the change room. It may not be friendly, but I don't want to be naked friendly.

3. When changing, keep your items close at hand, no reaching for things. When you reach things move and dangle, and it's gross and awkward. And dear God, no bending, EVER. No naked bending or reaching.

4. Half-naked is still naked. I don't want to see you blow-drying your hair with a shirt on but no pants or underwear. Seriously, who gets ready this way, IN PUBLIC! Jesus! Or standing at the mirror applying eye make up with tights, skirt, heels but no shirt. Wha? Half naked is still whole wrong.

Naked changerooms are for porn movies and teenaged boys' fantasies. It's time for a change, literally, for god sake, CHANGE INTO SOME CLOTHES, as quickly as possible please.

Newsflash! Cat flushes toilet, hundreds amazed!

These people have too much time on their hands. But I can't wait for part II - Dog loads dishwasher...

"I'm not here to make friends' - A reality-show confessional

I didn't come here to make friends. I'm here to win, and possibly be berated and humiliated on national television, but mostly to win. And if that makes some people angry, well, that's just not my problem. They're just jealous, or maybe I intimidate them because I'm clearly the frontrunner. I'm not going to apologize for wanting to win. I've been waiting my whole life for this opportunity to show people my cooking/modeling/fashion designing/hair styling/singing and dancing skills and I'm going all the way to the end/Fashion Week/Final Two/Final Four/Final showdown/Final countdown.

I know I'm misunderstood. The judges just don't get my esthetic/point of view/bizarre hair style/weird catch phrase. But that don't mean I'm not gonna come out on top. I've been working for this my whole life and it's all coming down to this moment/performance/challenge/vote. But you can't hold me down. (slowly disolving into tears) I've overcome adversity/health issues/a difficult childhood/rush hour traffic to get here and nobody gonna hold me back. You just wait and see, you're gonna know my face/name/clothes/embarassing YouTube moment. You haven't seen the last of me.

An Open Letter...

Dear Friend,

I love you, I think you're wonderful. But please stop calling me to complain about your life.

I can appreciate a good vent better than anyone, but it is very frustrating to listen to your petty complaints about an otherwise charmed life. When you're well-fed, well-dressed and happy in your large, comfortable home it's very difficult for me to have the appropriate amount of sympathy when you complain (at length) about stupid things. Your complaints are the middle income equivalent of complaining about how expensive the gas is to fill your Hummer.

That's not to say I don't want to bitch about stuff with you...I totally do, I love to bitch about things...but for an appropriate amount of time, not 45 minutes about how hard it is to unscrew the gas cap on your BMW. But enough with the car analogy...


And by the way, when you have something that others do not (and would really, really, really like to have) you shouldn't complain about that thing in front of them. It's insensitive and kind of mean. And then when other people say you're self-absorbed, it makes it difficult to disagree with them.

This comes from a place of love, honestly, but also of passive-agressiveness. I'm venting about you here because I know you don't read my blog and I guess we're not really good enough friends for me to say this to your face.

PS..I know that you hate the new Facebook, but get the fuck over it.

You have 1 New Friend Request

Honestly I tried...it's just really hard to keep up a post a day...please forgive me. On another note, I think this is really funny. Don't forget to read the comments, some of them made me laugh out loud!

High school mentality

A girl I went to high school with added me on Facebook. The name seemed familiar but I had to look her up in my yearbook to actually remember who she was. I felt kind of obligated to add her as a friend so I did, all the while secretly planning to delete her after a week. I know, I know it's so passive aggressive but I didn't want to hurt her feelings, this girl, that I barely remember.

I checked her friend list for people I knew. She had added about 200 people that we went to high school with. I thought that it was amazing that she had kept in touch with so many people (then I realized they were probably random add-ins like me).

Isn't it so funny how some people have such a hard time letting go of high school? They stay friends with their H.S. buddies long after out growing the friendship, they reminisce about parties and asinine things that all 16 year old kids do, like those 4 years were the greatest thing to ever happen to them. Or some people are so traumatized by H.S. that they bitch about it forever.

I had a great H.S. experience but very rarely think about it, sometimes I'll see someone that looks vaguely familiar and then, like 3 days later, realize they were in 90% of my classes.

I always tell my students to make the best out of those 4 years, get involved, enjoy the experience. But what I really want to tell them is that, good or bad, it goes fast, and that it shouldn't be their defining experience. Talk about peaking too soon. If I could be totally honest I'd tell them, live it, get over it, and move on.

We meet again...

So, we meet again Teen Wolf...so I've blogged before about my concerns with Teen Wolf. In the sporting arena I have some serious misgivings. Besides the fact that I don't think it's fair for animals to compete in high school athletics, (I'm looking at you Air Bud), I think that Teen Wolf has some serious anger management issues that I think may be outside the purview of a high school guidance counsellor. Teen Wolf is a time bomb waiting to happen, and I don't want to be around to clean up that hairy mess.

Alright, alright, alright

Congratulations to my favourite bongo player(s).

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

So, are you single or what?

You know what I just don't get enough of? Awkwardness. I wish there were some way to increase the number of times in my day where I have weird men walking up to me and creeping me out. There's nothing quite as ego boosting as an encounter which makes you contemplate a restraining order. If only there were some way to send out a "please, creep on me" vibe, a loser batsignal if you will. Where, oh where, could I possibly find such a wonder?

Clean up aisle three

Everybody Loves Raymond

This made me laugh out loud...hilarious!!

Let the good times roll!

I'm so close to being on holidays I can TASTE it!! But I'm keeping an eye on you...



I poached this from here...

Too Much Information

I love this article about "over-sharing", it really made me think twice about the kind of stuff I put on my Facebook or blog about. (Not that I was much of a sharer in the first place). It's a little long, but an interesting insight.

**She talks about her Larry King Live interview so here's the link. But read the article first cheater!

Boomerang

This is one of the sites I read because it's related to technology and education. I am so fascinated by how available technology is changing the way we learn, considering the sheer volume of information floating around out there. I think this post is really cute, and I can just picture this happening with some students I know...

Boomerang

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It's all in the chemistry

I hated chemistry in high school. My class was taught by Mr. K, who would say things like: “blah blah stochiometric calculations blah blah , but then we all know that don’t we?” And me, sitting clueless in the front row with a dumb-founded look on my face, would think: “If I already knew this then why would I be here?” But he wasn’t really asking, it was more like: “if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you are a complete moron”. And for the first time in my life I seriously felt like one.

I had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on in class. I was too scared to ask for help because Mr. K was so intimidating, so my midterm grade was a D. I’d never gotten a D in my life and as punishment my mom made me go to the parent/teacher interview with her. It was so mortifying, I think almost as much so for Mr. K who kept looking at me like I’d grown a 3rd eye for extra-credit. My mom asked Mr. K. if I wasn’t paying attention or skipping classes or not doing my assignments, Mr. K said I hadn’t been doing any of these things. So, my mom asked him why I was doing so poorly. Mr. K. said the wrong thing. He told my mom that some kids “just weren’t smart in school”. Holy chemical reaction batman! That was not the right thing to say. My mom said she couldn’t understand why an honour roll student (me) was almost failing his class. (Yea Mom!) She wondered aloud why the class average was so low (You tell ‘em!) and why I was too intimidated by my teacher to approach him for help. (You go girl!) She said that I would be happy to meet with him twice a week at his convenience for extra help until my grade improved (hey…wait a second). And that she would review the material and assignments with me each night. (oh crap)

So I met with him twice a week (torture) and my mom hounded me about my homework (nothing new) and eventually my mark improved. But I definitely didn’t take chemistry the next year. (I took drama instead…I wasn’t very good). Anyways, it always bothered me that Mr. K thought I was a moron, or worse, lazy. I’d like to go back and smack him with my Master’s degree but he’s long since retired.

Aaanyways…if chemistry had been taught like this maybe today I’d be splitting atoms like a champ (ok, probably not).

In the category of things you should never eat...

#1 on the list

Interesting Stats

I poached this from here.

Party Like a Rock Star

So, on Thursday I spent a long evening binge drinking at a local food and wine tasting event (you know the one) and last night I went to the opening of a new lounge at a bar. I'm not gonna lie, Friday was hands down the most hung over I have been in a long time and work totally sucked. But I earned it and I deserved it and I learned my lesson right? Yea, not so much, last night I had a late night and today I feel like ass, and I didn't even drink! I'm just tired because I was out until 4 in the morning. When did this happen?!? In university I could get 2 or 3 hours sleep, wake up and be a productive member of society, today I'll be lucky to get off the couch. When did I get old? Where did my youth go?!? Oh well, at least I had a good time. I'm going back to bed.

Kids these days

My first reaction when I watched this video was to laugh. It shows a big brother totally torturing his lil bro by screwing with his myspace page. When I showed it to some people and they were totally horrified. Someone said "That kid is obviously not well, how could someone be so cruel?".

Maybe I should take this opportunity to apologize to my brother and sister, because I can definitely remember teasing them to the point where they were screaming like this kid. I don't think there's anything wrong with these kids, and I don't think that myspace is to blame here. Kids get obsessed with things and older siblings are sometimes dicks...that's just how it is. It's too bad this video ended up on YouTube though, it's pretty hard to come back from that, just ask Star Wars kid. But you just know that Older Brother got an ass kicking from Mom and Dad when they saw that. Which is just as it should be.

Ken Lee...da diba diba da dooooo

Confession: I am a mediocre singer. I am not tone deaf, I have really good pitch, I can read music and I can usually figure out a good harmony here and there because my years of piano and such. I can feel pretty confident singing loudly in church but I realize that I am a mediocre singer though because there's nothing particularly interesting about my voice, it's just normal, average even and I'm ok with that. I do however, enjoy rocking out in my car when I'm by myself. You've probably even seen me; I'm that weirdo chick singing loudly to herself in the car beside you at the red light, but hey, that just makes me fun. I do pride myself on knowing all the words at least. I'm going to master this new song though, it's called "Ken Lee", and although I can't place it, it's very familiar.

Bottom's up!

I get it... the Flintstones make kids want to eat their vitamins and having Dora on the band-aids eases the boo boos. But I don't get what this is about...(Yes, that really is a Sponge Bob rectal thermometer)
Would you put that in your bikini bottom?? Here's the link.

too literal??

I hate when people use the word "literally" incorrectly. Sometimes people use it for emphasis and it's just wrong (literally!). Like: "I was literally scared to death." Really? Wow, you're incredibly animated for a corpse.

It's one thing for someone to misuse it in casual conversation (which is unforgivable, figuratively, because I could actually forgive you for using it incorrectly) but it's pretty unbelievable to see it misused in a news item, but it is funny so... Check this out

My new favourite insult...

This makes me giggle...hee hee

I'm artsy-fartsy

More nonsense...

Ok, in the same vein of wackiness, watch this video. I think it's totally crazy and unexplainable. I have no idea where this is from or what it's purpose is, but I thought it was hysterical. Although I AM a little mentally unbalanced...but only a little.

A little nonsense never hurt anyone

Ok, I'm issuing a challenge...I think we can explain this, so leave your theories in the comments.

The devil's in the details

Me and God, we's-a fussin' and a feudin'...there's gonna be some karmic retribution tomorrow I bet...

Give it to me straight...

You guys, you're my friends and if you think I'm a prostitute I sure hope you'd say it to my face, it would be so humiliating to hear it from a stranger at a restaurant. That being said, leave the money on the dresser on your way out.

Did you lose something?

Don't you just hate it when you misplace something important?

Crabby Enjoy Happy Time

Apparently the Japanese don't like Paris any more than we do...

Aww Poor Tom

New Years Resolutions

I've never really made New Years Resolutions. In fact, I kind of resent them. It pisses me off when I can't find a parking spot at the gym because of all the newbies with their NYRs. Then the classes I have been taking all year are suddenly full of NYR-ers who ask stupid questions that were answered in September - WHEN THE CLASS STARTED!! Now don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome that people decide to get in shape, that's why I'm at the gym too and I'm no one to judge. I just wish they'd all get together and decide to go at a time when it's most convenient for me. That's not too much to ask is it?

Need a Panflute?