This song is dedicated to brides with black eyes

Here's something cheerful cause the next post is kind of a downer...

Put a Band-Aid on it

So tonight, after the second of two particularly long days, I sat down in front of the TV to unwind. I have terrible TV habits, I watch all kinds of crap and tonight that included 2 episodes of Big Brother, yesterday's Oprah and tonight's Dateline and 20/20. Seriously, I love my PVR, there's always something to watch, even if it is a waste of time.

20/20 had a segment about health care; obviously a hot topic these days for our neighbours to the south. The tone of the segment totally offended me, it was essentially bashing the Canadian health care system, one "expert" even going so far as to say that animals get better health care than humans. My national pride wounded, I was outraged and offended. "Yes, it's true," I thought, "Our system has it's flaws. But it sure is comforting to know that no matter what, whether I lose my job and am homeless, broke or both, I will have access to free medical care." It's sure nice not to have to pay to see a doctor when I over react about a swollen gland, thank you Mr. Douglas. So, mind your own business 20/20, nobody asked you anyways.

But I have to admit, it sure is hard to cheer our health care these days. I've spent the last two days, thinking that someone important in my life would be having surgery. But the first day passed and she didn't...and the second day has passed and she didn't...so now we'll wait and hope and pray that her number comes up on day three. Because, that's kind of what it's like, a lottery for surgery room time. Now, this I could understand if it was elective, anyone can wait a few extra days for lipo or bigger boobs. But if you're having a cancerous tumor removed, it's pretty hard to be patient and understanding.

I know it's not technically anyone's fault. It's not the nurses who have been wonderful and accommodating, and it's not the doctors who are ready, willing and eager to get down to brass tacks. It's the system, and in any system there are flaws. I suppose I recognize that the system is in essence a great idea, but needs work, perhaps even serious change. I'm just finding it hard to reconcile my frustrations with my idealism. Good thing I'm not in charge I guess.

Pack Your Bags

I always thought that when my teaching career was over, ('cause good lord, I'm terrible at this, I'm bound to get fired eventually!!) I'd like to have a job where you travel a lot. I love to fly and I figured it would be so glamourous to jet from destination to destination living it up in fancy hotels and spending my per diem on clothes and booze. Turns out, I was pretty much totally wrong.

Now, don't get me wrong, Saskatoon is hardly a glamourous, exotic destination. It's no Paris or New York or even Calgary. But I thought a week of living in a nice hotel and eating in nice restaurants would be awesome. It's totally not. I'm having a crappy time and I'm gonna tell you why whether you like it or not...

First of all my conference started Monday morning but they wouldn't pay for a hotel Sunday so I had to leave really early and drive up. I wasn't sure where I was going in S'Toon so I wanted to give myself lots of time. I spent two hours trying not to fall asleep driving only to arrive an hour early and have to hang out at Starbucks getting hopped up on caffeine. Did you know that wireless Internet isn't free at Starbucks? What's up with that, when I need to mortgage my house to afford a latte the least you an do is provide Wi-Fi...bastards.

Upon arriving at my conference I scan the room for the two people I know who are also attending. I don't see them so I find a spot where all three of us can sit and even tell someone that "these seats are taken", which is so high school and made me feel like a tit. Then the facilitator walked over and asked me if I picked up my name tag, but when I went to the registration table I discovered that neither one of those two bitches were going to show up, they'd canceled and not told me. BITCHES!! So at this point I realize that I'll be spending 4 days in this hell hole by myself, I don't even have anyone to go for dinner with.

So I figure, that's ok, no big deal, I'll have some quality "me" time. But then I remember that I'm boring and I don't even like me that much. The first night I drove to Safeway after my conference, picked up some food for the week and then went back to my hotel room, did my homework and was asleep by 10.

Day two I figure I can at least make use of my time and I book a spray tan for my sister's wedding, because I've got to do something to look half decent in the dress, and at least it's something to do on day 3. I head to the mall immediately after class only to find out that the mall closes at 5:30 (WTF? What happened to 6?) and I'm there a total of 10 minutes before I have to get something to eat and leave. I stop by the LuLu Lemon on my way back to my lonely hotel room only to find that the one thing I wanted to buy on this trip wasn't available in my size. F@#$!! I end up watching South Park and the Deadliest Catch on the phone with my boy and feeling sorry for myself. He's indifferent and can I please be quiet because he missed what Cartman just said.

Day 3 I get up early because I didn't do the reading for today. I head to Starbucks, curse the lack of free Internet, drink my expensive coffee and read the boring materials. The day drags at my class, but not enough for us to have time to discuss the readings which I got up early to read; we have to skip that part. Oh, well, at least I can leave. I go for my spray tan, immediately have reservations and visions of a bright orange lump in a bright blue dress coming down the aisle. I get my tan and realize that there's no way I can sleep in the beautiful, crisp, white sheets of my hotel bed because I'm gonna leave more brown streaks than a four year old who doesn't wipe properly. I head to the mall where I buy sweat pants and a sweat shirt. It's 25 degrees outside.

As I wander the mall, (which is open until 9...as it should be) I realize that I can't try anything on because I'll leave spray tan all over the inside of the clothes. I try to kill some time by trying on shoes but I just end up getting take-out Chinese, and a booster juice and I pout all the way back to the hotel where I eat and send text messages to my boyfriend who's at home where things are normal and good. I miss home.

So, long story short. I will not be signing up for any more conferences anytime soon, and travel is starting to seem a lot less glamorous than before, and I don't even like South Park anyways.

Apparently I'm a Fucking Bitch...I didn't know either

So on Friday afternoon I was very productive...there was a fist fight and I suspended two kids. Then one of them caused some trouble on the school bus so I kicked him off. As he walked off the bus he said to me "fucking bitch".

I didn't know I was a bitch, let alone a fucking bitch. Seriously, I am pretty mad at you guys. This is something I think someone should have told me. Here I am, walking around, living life as a fucking bitch and I didn't even know it. It took some 12 year old to tell me, when it really should have been you guys; my bffs.

I mean, how long have you known? Is this fairly recent or has this been going on a long time now? Does everyone know? OMG, I"m just so embarrassed, I feel like EVERYONE knew before I did. It's like walking around with toilet paper on your shoe or a kick me sign or something. I'm just so mortified.

Well, at least I know now, right? So, what do I do about it? IS there some sort of club or support group or something? Do I get a tax credit or a tee-shirt? Do I try to NOT be a fucking bitch or do I just embrace it and start cutting people off in traffic and complaining really loudly about the service I'm receiving in a restaurant. Can I start slow at least? Maybe just by talking on my cell phone the entire time a cashier is ringing me through in a store or by not holding doors for old people. You'll have to bear with me while I figure these things out, I'm pretty new at this. Or at least I think I am...

Brimstone and Hellfire

So, I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been busy...get over it.

It's currently 1AM, I can't sleep so I'll post...I may not make sense but since when is that new?

I was just browsing through the waste of time that is called FACEBOOK, (you may have heard about this, all the kids are doing it)and I was suddenly struck by the thought that occurs often to everyone with a Facebook account: "why the hell did I include this person on my friend list, I haven't spoken to them in years and I don't give a shit about them". Seriously, there are people on my list from high school that I don't think I ever even spoke to in high school. It's just so hard to say no when someone wants to be your friend.

So...I deleted someone. This girl "SALLY" that I went to HS with. She's married to a pastor now (don't ask me, I don't get it either), and all of her status updates are vaguely religious and judgy. And the follow up comments are even more so! I just couldn't take it, tonight was the last straw. Her comment was something about how taking the pill was an evil sin. Then the follow ups were about how it was the same as having an abortion once a month. Now, there are all kinds of inaccuracies in those comments that I'm not even going to touch, but I mean, really?!? Do you have to be such a crazy person on FB? Jesus Christ, it's FB, no one wants to read about your crazy religious views on FB, I just want to read about how you had to wait a long time at Starbucks today, or that your kid had the flu but is feeling better. I had to delete her, I couldn't be a party to her crazy, cult-ish postings. I feel mildly guilty because she's a nice girl and all, but you just can't drop "abortion" in your status update, that ain't cool.

My job is a gong show

I never really post about my job, mostly because I don't want to lose it. I wish I had the guts to though because as some of you know I have some pretty hilarious work-related stories. Some involving monkey-punching, mixed drinks and the like. But today was weird and so I'm posting about it...so there.

Today a kid brought a hamster to school in a baby wipes container with no air holes. He's six and it was his mom's idea (Seriously? Why didn't you just send it in a ziplock bag?). So at 9:10 AM I drove a hamster home. I have 8 years of post-graduate education. Today I was a rodent taxi-driver. I love my job.

I brought sexy back and got store credit....

Ok, so I got tagged to write the 5 reasons why I think I'm sexy. And following notquiteawake's lead I will also answer this sarcastically since I am in no way sexy:

1. In my job, I spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning up bodily fluids. Nothing is sexier than mopping up puke or urine. Or driving someone home who has peed their pants....that's pretty sexy too.

2. I drive a four-door Kia. Seriously, is that not a pussy wagon or what? I can't believe I just wrote "pussy wagon"...that's a Grease reference people, I like boys.

3. I'm drunk after two Coors Lites. And not sexy drunk either. I get walking into things, belligerent, yelling at people drunk. I'm a mean Coors Lite drinker. (Read: lame)

4. I like board games. 'Nuff said.

5. Favourite food: grilled cheese. Nothing is hotter than food that you cut the crusts off....and, "crusts" is not a hot word. Say it; "crusts"...actually it's kinda gross. Crusts, crusts...guh..I think I'm gonna barf...also not hot.

This will haunt my dreams...

See more of the internets best videos at CollegeHumors Web Celeb Hall of Fame.

Things my Father Taught Me

I was reading this list of things the writer learned from his father. So I'm starting my own. Just so you know, my dad is awesome, he is the most supportive person I know and while he may not be overly emotional or sentimental he never hesitates to tell his kids he loves them and that he's proud of them. That's pretty amazing. So here's a few of the myriad of things I've learned from my dad:

- Hard work is rewarded and persistence is a virtue.
- Stay in school or you will end up a garbage collector or a cashier at Zellers.
- Be friendly to everyone and you'll have lots of friends
- A decent swear word is not something to throw around willy-nilly. Use swears in moderation. But when you do use one, make it a gooder.
- Women who swear have the vocabulary of "street-walkers". Yea, I realize the irony, his daughter does have the mouth of a sailor. (He's secretly proud)
- How to make a wine glass sing.
- What exactly "icing" is in hockey.
- How to drive, use a tire gauge, change a tire and refill the washer fluid.
- The world is an amazing place and you can learn all about it by watching the Discovery Channel but it's better to get your ass off the couch and go visit it.
- How to swim but also to have a healthy fear and respect for water.
- Family is paramount and a good son or daughter looks after their parents once they're not able to look after themselves.
- When you're playing sports, get a little rough, set a tone and your opponent will back off for the rest of the game.
- How to read a map and when, in the name of an adventure, you shouldn't use a map at all.
- Not to feel guilty if you fall asleep at the movies. It's your $10, you can spend it on a good nap if you want.
- Knowing anything about celebrity culture is a waste of time. (While I technically agree, I just can't help myself)
- Get your ass back and play defense, no one can respect a cherry picker.
- WRITING IN CAPS SAVES TIME AND DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN I AM YELLING (although sometimes I am)
- Don't spend your money on that crap, put it in the bank.
- A man who truly loves his wife and daughters will go get tampons at Safeway when there's a period emergency
- Turn the electricity off before you start poking around with a screw driver.
- Look out the window when you're on a road trip, this may be the only time in your life you get to see this.
- Treat everyone with respect, even if they haven't earned it, that way you can always respect yourself.

Crazy talented

This is pretty amazing. This kid is crazy talented and I may have a little crush (but just a little one because I think he's about 15 years old and I like to keep it legal ya'll). I know it's 8 minutes long but trust me it's worth it. And also it's pretty amazing how great some songs are on acoustic guitar, great songs really hold up without all the bells and whistles and surprisingly, so does the Power Rangers theme.

Watch 32 Songs in 8 Minutes on CollegeHumor

And then there's this guy...

Show Me Your Genitals (Jon Lajoie) - watch more funny videos

Let's Dance...

Sometimes kids can be smart asses but sometimes adults can be dumb asses so really, it's evens. BTW, always wear a condom when "stretching", play safe kids.

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If you leave your clothes on the floor, you don't need hangers...

I will often use the phrase, No wire hangers EVER!". It's from Mommy Dearest, the movie with Faye Dunaway about Joan Crawford. If you haven't seen it yet, what the hell is wrong with you? It is so awesome in it's cheesiness and the awfulness of knowing that it's a true story. (My second fav. line? "Don't fuck with me fellas, this ain't my first time at the rodeo" - seriously, I want to use that line SOOOO bad! I'm just biding my time, waiting for an opportunity!)

But back to my catch phrase. In real life it's kind of hard to work the wire hanger phrase into conversation but it sure is satisfying when you get to do your best Dunaway-imitating-Crawford imitation.

So tonight on Grey's Anatomy Faye Dunaway channeled Joan Crawford in a scene where she kicked a doctor out of her ER. It was pretty awesome, and it reminded me of how much I love the MD scene. And how much I hate wire hangers.

Skip ahead to 2:35 for the real fun to start.


UPDATE: Here's the Grey's clip that made me nostalgic...skip to 1:40

No Drama Obama

I think this is awesome. Newsweek's video satire is hilarious, it totally captures the tone of "The Hills/City"; with the long lingering looks, the obviously manipulated editing and the trendy soundtrack. Now I'm just waiting on the Canadian version: "The Parliament".

Free Happiness

So apparently everyone and their dog has completed the "25 things" post on Facebook, including me. I found it quite difficult actually. It's hard to come up with 25 random things that don't make you sound totally self absorbed or totally ridiculous. So, I'm starting my own post category. I may even add it to Facebook but right now I'll just add it here.

10 Free things that make me happy
1. Getting mail that's not a bill - even a really good flyer is kind of exciting but once a month when the one magazine I have a subscription to arrives in my mailbox it's like Christmas came early.
2. A clean house - because when my house is spotless I don't feel guilty about sitting on the couch, and because I've earned it. This is a very rare occasion.
3. Text messages - seriously, I get a little excited whenever I hear the TM signal. It's nice to know that someone, somewhere is thinking about me in abbreviations such as WHR R U? or OMG u r stpid (actually that second one isn't all that nice). I also really enjoy when someone sends a message without reading it first and T9 gets all the words mixed up and the message is crazy like: I'll bring hands and you soup to mother games. It's like secret code.
4. When someone brings me a coffee at work (or wherever really) - because I'm not expecting it. And coffee = good.
5. Winning - at anything. I'm competitive and I keep score, at all times, about everything. Besides, winning is so much better than losing.
6. A nap on the couch - this hardly ever happens but when it does, it's so decadent.
7. Won Ton Soup - Ok, so technically not free but good lord is it great.
8. Laughing so hard I cry - Again, this hardly ever happens but who doesn't love a good laugh?
9. Having something to look forward to - I'm going to NKOTB in April, and then Toronto, then summer holidays, then Christmas....you get the idea.
10. Babies, puppies and free money....although not necessarily in that order.

PostSecret

I love PostSecret. It's this great site where people send in a postcard with a secret on it. Then, each Sunday, they post several secrets on the site. There's also a couple of books. Often people will write on the site that they've left secrets inside the books at bookstores. (I'm totally going to check the next time I'm at Chapters).

It's strangely satisfying to read someone else's secret shame. I'm at once totally mortified by some of the things that people will write and yet it's sort of like passing a traffic accident, you just can't help but look. I figure it's kind of like harmless gossip. Anyways, some of this weekend's postings (all love themed), are hilarious so I'm sharing them.

The saga continues...

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Yes, there is a Santa Claus

Ask and you shall receive...

NSFW F*ckin Newsies! @ Yahoo! Video

Do you want me to trash your lights?...Yes, yes, I do.

I love Christian Bale. I've loved him since Newsies, and I won't apologize for it. I don't think even this would change my love for him. Besides, it's got a good beat and you can dance to it.

WARNING: This is extremely NSFW, unless you work somewhere you can tell people to f#@% off (like movie sets apparently).

Ommm

I started taking a yoga class with a friend. It's really relaxing, especially the last 20 minutes where we lie on the floor and the instructor uses her really calm librarian voice. It was very zen...probably...I fell asleep so I missed the zen moment.

Anyways, the class is kind of hilarious. On the first day we all had to introduce ourselves and say what "brought" us to yoga. I said a 2006 Kia but apparently that wasn't the right answer. There was one woman who said that "yoga changed her life" and that she lives and breathes it. We were supposed to leave our judgments at the door but I didn't. I'm judgy. That's what makes me fun. So I judged her...harshly. And when she nearly hit the floor during a relatively easy pose I judged her harshly again.

Also we spend a lot of time "discovering". The instructor will say things like: "Let's discover our right hip", during a pose where you think that your right hip just may pop right out of your body. And sometimes I'm not sure what to do because we're never really given an instruction, just suggestions. For example instead of telling us where to stand on the mat she'll say, "perhaps we'll stand on the end of our mat". Perhaps? Shouldn't you know? Jesus, who's in charge here? This chick doesn't even know where we're supposed to stand.

But the most hilarious part this week was at the end of the class. We breathed deeply, eyes closed and wished for health, happiness and peace. Then we extended these wishes to the others in our class and all of humanity. Then, serene music playing, lights dimmed, we quietly made our way out the room to the parking lot and our cars where some dumb broad promptly cut me off and gave me the finger. Namaste.

I am Social Awkward/Retarded

You know when you meet someone who immediately puts you at ease? Who makes you feel so comfortable it's as if you've known them for years instead of minutes? That charismatic person who makes you want to join their club within moments of meeting them? I am not that person.

Apparently I come across as a stuck up bitch.

This was pointed out to me, a little more kindly than maybe I've phrased it, by someone I've known a while. We were talking about when we first met (in quite a large group of people), and what our first impressions were. My first impression of him was pretty dead on, and his of me? Well, I think it's pretty much the polar opposite of how I really am.

I think that sometimes when someone is a little shy, maybe not immediately chatty or obviously friendly, it comes across as aloof. So, I guess I need to work on that. It wouldn't kill me to be a little more outgoing sometimes. But it was also a good reminder that often our first impressions are dead wrong. Unfortunately, they're also really hard to overcome. So, I'm going to switch from the shy/stuck up kind of social awkwardness I've rocked for the last 31 years to the over-the-top, in-your-face friendly kind of social awkwardness. (I'm taking my cues from that Wal-Mart greeter who follows you out to your car to say "have a nice day", he always seems friendly...maybe a bit on the creepy side, but creepy-friendly is still friendly right?)

Hopefully it doesn't come across as fake. I really hate fake people.

PS...you don't need to comment that you don't think I'm a bitch...it's a given, besides, if my friends think I'm an asshole I'm really beyond help.

Fishing for Stalkers - now with audience participation

So, last week I was at this training thing where one of the instructors (let's call him "Bill")was a guy about my age. Bill was definitely enjoying his time in the spotlight and his role as "expert". Besides myself there were only two other people in the young category, both were guys I know through work, let's call them Bert and Ernie. So Bert, Ernie and myself, already knowing each other kinda well, spent most of our time hanging together and teaming up for the group activities. In the meantime, Bill was trying pretty hard to be our friend and would often come over and chat with us. There was a moment during the second day where I felt somewhat sexually harassed, to the point where even Ernie commented that Bill was a little on the awkward side. I thought I made it pretty known to Bill that I wasn't impressed and that I was annoyed in his general direction.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I open my email today to find that Bill has added me as a friend on Facebook. First of all maybe Bill's weirdness was awkward flirting but seriously, can you not tell when someone doesn't like you? And second of all, it's kind of creepy because Bill would have had to copy down my last name at the course and take it home with him, because I certainly didn't give it to him. So yea, a little on the creepy side. However, as someone pointed out to me, the only thing that makes it creepy is that I'm not interested, if I was interested it would be flattering.

So, I kind of want to add him as a friend because I want to see where this goes, yea a little "Mean Girls", but whatever. But then, as was also pointed out to me, he could be my potential next stalker, which is slightly less hilarious.

So, I leave it up to you, my three faithful readers...leave your vote in the comments and I'll go with the majority, either way, hilarity will ensue.

Wise Riders circa 1992

This video is like 70% of the educational videos we have at work. I seriously have the best job evah! And I'm pretty sure that's the guy from Happy Gilmore, you know the guy; he eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast. Seriously, I'm like 67% sure that's him.

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Honey, you can do better

There's not a court in the land that would convict this woman for murder. Justifiable homicide has a face...but it ain't pretty.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

It's Up, It's Down, It's Up Again

This post is not about my sex life...sorry to disappoint.

So I posted my last post. Then I took it down. Then I posted it again. (Yes, I know some of you noticed...and yet you still didn't comment...you know who you are!!)

I'm a pretty private person. Outside of a small group of friends, I would say there are very few people who really know me well. I just keep some things to myself, for example, people I work with don't know anything about my personal life and I like it that way. I may come across loud, obnoxious and out going, but actually, I'm really shy. I have a hard time talking to people I don't know well and I have to work really hard to fake being friendly sometimes. So...when I posted about dating randoms that is probably the most personal I've ever gotten on my blog and I had poster's remorse. Then I realized that there are really only a few people who read this waste of time...and they already know all this about me so...whatevs.

Dating is Awkward

Confession: I've never dated someone I didn't know before. Usually I've dated a friend (which always turns out well, let me tell you), or a friend of a friend. I've always had a strict policy of any potential dates needing to have a reference. And (although keep in mind, I've been single a really, really, really long time)this policy has worked out well.

When you date someone you know, or at least have someone in common with, there's always something to talk about and conversation comes fairly naturally. And for the most part, I can chat with anyone. But when you go out with a random, there's no topic you have to fall back on, you can't just talk about the person you both know. I hate forced conversation. It's so unnatural and awkward.

Which is not to say that I'm not currently enjoying the random I've been hanging with. It's a good time, but can be a little forced. I just wish we could skip over the whole "getting to know you" phase and move right into the "this silence isn't because we have nothing to talk about it's because we're too busy making out to talk...or whatever".

And ironically enough, when me and Random talk on the phone, it's like for hours . Literally. We haven't had a phone conversation that's lasted less than 2 hours. We always have tons to talk about on the phone. I guess it's just easier to be relaxed when you're sitting on your couch in your pjs and he's doing whatever across town at his house. Maybe we should just have all our dates on the phone. We can go to the same movies or sit across from each other at a restaurant but never hanging up the phone, kind of like a security blanket. It may be a little freakish but, no relationship is perfect, right?

By the way, I went on a date tonight...it was good times.

PS - If When this works out, I'll be back to delete this post. So enjoy it while you can.

Why Internets aren't for Everybody

Speak out people! When you see an injustice you should raise your voice and demand social action and change! Well, maybe not everyone.

See more funny videos and Funny Videos at Today's Big Thing.

PS - SPELL CHECK DAMMIT!!