Tee Liveblogs The Hills Finale

8:57 - I get a little too excited and spill my popcorn. This is going to be equal parts horrible and awesome!

9:00 - Recap of all the vapid crap we've seen all season.

9:01 - Heidi tells her boss and coworker that she got married over her vacation. This is met with stunned silence and her boss says: "Uh, alright". BEST SHOW EVER! (Just so you know, I regularly find the Hills hilarious but this is the only moment I have ever actually laughed OUT LOUD), then called my sister to make her watch it 'cause it was so awesome.

9:03 - Lauren and Lo discuss the "SLS opening". Why do I never go to parties like this? Oh, right, because I'm a real person who doesn't live their life on TV. Apparently Heidi will be there. Best line: "I know how to be her best friend and I know how to hate her, I don't know how to do anything in between". Wow, with a best friend like that who needs frienemies?

9:06 - Justin Bobby and Audrina check into a hotel...no one cares, I fast-forward.

9:07 - Heidi comes home to find her mom and Spencer sitting in the living room. Spencer looks like he just got a spanking. You've got my full attention...and commercial.

Apparently Brody Jenner has a new reality/game show called "Bromance"(ahem, gay, ahem) Why do D-list celebrities have to win their friends on a game show? Can't they just make friends like normals?

9:15 - Darlene tears a strip off of Heidi. BEST SHOW EVER. Spencer sits on the couch and says nothing like a little bitch.

9:17 - Audrina and Justin Bobby order dinner. BOOO-ring!

9:21 - The inevitable meeting between Lauren and Heidi. Uncomfortable. Heidi cries when Lauren asks about her mom's reaction. Heidi says it's "Really hard", (then hows about you not have your parents find out you're married when they see you on the cover of Entertainment Weekly?). But seriously, I just want someone to grab Heidi by the shoulders, give her a good shake and say, "What the hell are you doing?!?"

9:28 - Preview of Whitney's new show: "The City". Yea, I can't wait. I'm a little pathetic.

9:31 - Spencer and Darlene discuss how he manipulated Heidi into getting married. She totally rocks. Best/Scariest Line: "We're going to the courthouse to make it legal, then you'll be my mom." And a little shiver runs down the spine of every mother there ever was.

9:33 - Boring crap with Justin Bobby and Audrina.

9:34 - City hall for disaster marriage. Heidi's mom is not there. While Heidi is in the bathroom, Stephanie tries to convince Spencer not to get married this way. Stephanie is a genius, Spencer's a tool and Heidi looks like she's going to throw up.

What follows is the beginning of the saddest, most pathetic wedding ever. I feel like I'm watching someone get sold into slavery. But then, at the very last minute...Spencer stops the ceremony and he says he wants to give her "the wedding of her dreams"...maybe I'm supposed to like him now, but I still don't. (BTW, not one person in this episode has congratulated Heidi on her marriage, in fact no one even smiled when they mentioned it...Heidi, jebus, PAY ATTENTION!)

9:40 - The realization that I've watched this insipid drivel for the last 16 weeks of my life starts to set in.

9:41 - Squatting in front of my toilet, I hold my hair back as I vomit.

9:42 - I set my tivo to tape "The City" next Monday.

9:43 - I come to terms with my addiction.

Fightin' like a karate kid

So I watched the Britney documentary (mockumentary?). I don't know why I expected different but it wasn't a very honest look at her life or explanation of her recent visits to Crazytown, USA. It was produced by her manager so I guess you just had to know it was going to be self-serving. And it's pretty hard to take her seriously when she says that she'd like to disappear and "make it all stop" as they cross cut to all her self-promoting media events.

And another thing: Brit, just admit you went a little nut-so when you shaved your head, don't feed us a line that it was cleansing or an act of rebellion. Just be honest and admit that you left your marbles in your other pair of short shorts that day. At least that way you'd get some sympathy. Nobody sane shaves their head just 'cause. They trim their bangs or buy a new pair of shoes.

But I thought it was really sad how fake her entourage seems. There is way too much laughing going on, the nervous kind that's just a little too loud and goes on a little too long. It's "I didn't drink the kool-aid but I don't want you to know that" kind of laughter. And at one point Brit's playing a game with her assistant and can't believe that she guessed correctly. She asks over and over if the assistant let her win. It's sad really, that she should have to pay people to treat her kindly or with respect. I guess it explains why she was so easily taken advantage of, she has no way of knowing who she can trust without having to sign a cheque.

So I felt pretty bad for poor Britney, but then I changed the channel and realized that there are children in our world who are starving to death, trying to survive war, abuse, or poverty and I realized that I really shouldn't give a shit about Britney. She's got lots of money and she'll be well fed and clothed for the rest of her days so I'm not going to lose any sleep over her...but Amy Winehouse...that's a different story...