An Open Letter to the People Ahead of Me in Line at the Self Check Outs

Dear Fellow Shoppers,

We need to talk.

You're in the self-checkout aisle where there is no time for your bullshit, people are in a hurry and you need to get the hell out of the way, so listen up.

Lady with the baby putting on a show while you ring through your diapers, baby food and Oprah magazine: Yes, I can see that you've got a baby, good for you! Yay babies! So you can stop handing every item to your kid and then saying, "Give it to Mommy! Good job!" We have all noticed your baby, you can stop talking in that annoying, high-pitched, sing-song voice. We get it, you've passed a baby through your vagina, yay vaginas! Move on! Hurry the hell up.

Elderly Person: Good for you! I am completely sincere when I applaud your efforts at the self-checkout. Honestly, some older people are afraid of change and these new-fangled machines can be intimidating so I think it's great you're trying something new. But perhaps this "trying something new" could happen at some other time than on a Monday evening at 5pm when the store is packed and there's a million people in line. Face it, your time on earth is drawing to a close so why not take advantage of the middle of the afternoon when everyone else is at work, m'kay? Thanks!

Person with a full cart: You do not belong in the self-check. This is like the express line for really impatient people so take your full-ass shoping cart back to the regular line up, buh-bye.

Blackberry Guy: We get it, you're important! You can't even put down your blackberry to buy your energy drinks and frozen dinners for one, you're just that important! PAY ATTENTION DAMMIT! We're all waiting for an open checkout so quit changing your Facebook status and get your ass over to the open checkout and scan your damn items already, douche!

I'm not asking for too much here people, if we all work together we can make this a comfortable, stress-free shopping experience so that I don't have to be escorted by security to the "cool down" room again...this week.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation,

Tee