Bare Naked Ladies - (at the gym)

Ok, so I've been going to the gym in the mornings. I actually really like it, and as a non-morning person, I never thought I would. But...

I don't like when naked ladies walk around the changeroom. I'm not comfortable with nudity, any kind of nudity, but especially the ugly kind. I've tried to adapt: I shower (in my bathing suit - hey, I'm not a hypocrite) as quickly as possible and with my eyes averted. But I keep running into things and I'm still having awkward encounters so I've made a list of rules, nudity rules if you will...

1. You're walking around naked but carrying your towel. USE THAT TOWEL DAMMIT!! It's right there, slung across your arm put that puppy to use and cover your shame!! No naked walking: all towels all the time.

2. Don't talk to me if you're naked, especially if you don't know me, or even if you DO know me, wait, ESPECIALLY if you know me. Let's just keep it simple: No Naked Talking ever, it should be dead silent in the change room. It may not be friendly, but I don't want to be naked friendly.

3. When changing, keep your items close at hand, no reaching for things. When you reach things move and dangle, and it's gross and awkward. And dear God, no bending, EVER. No naked bending or reaching.

4. Half-naked is still naked. I don't want to see you blow-drying your hair with a shirt on but no pants or underwear. Seriously, who gets ready this way, IN PUBLIC! Jesus! Or standing at the mirror applying eye make up with tights, skirt, heels but no shirt. Wha? Half naked is still whole wrong.

Naked changerooms are for porn movies and teenaged boys' fantasies. It's time for a change, literally, for god sake, CHANGE INTO SOME CLOTHES, as quickly as possible please.

Newsflash! Cat flushes toilet, hundreds amazed!

These people have too much time on their hands. But I can't wait for part II - Dog loads dishwasher...

"I'm not here to make friends' - A reality-show confessional

I didn't come here to make friends. I'm here to win, and possibly be berated and humiliated on national television, but mostly to win. And if that makes some people angry, well, that's just not my problem. They're just jealous, or maybe I intimidate them because I'm clearly the frontrunner. I'm not going to apologize for wanting to win. I've been waiting my whole life for this opportunity to show people my cooking/modeling/fashion designing/hair styling/singing and dancing skills and I'm going all the way to the end/Fashion Week/Final Two/Final Four/Final showdown/Final countdown.

I know I'm misunderstood. The judges just don't get my esthetic/point of view/bizarre hair style/weird catch phrase. But that don't mean I'm not gonna come out on top. I've been working for this my whole life and it's all coming down to this moment/performance/challenge/vote. But you can't hold me down. (slowly disolving into tears) I've overcome adversity/health issues/a difficult childhood/rush hour traffic to get here and nobody gonna hold me back. You just wait and see, you're gonna know my face/name/clothes/embarassing YouTube moment. You haven't seen the last of me.